Third Anniversary

“I want the whole world or nothing.”

― Charles Bukowski

How many times have I started a post with “wow, time has really flown” or something of that nature? Countless.

Well, it’s that time again. As of today, three years ago I called it quits. I decided to quit being the victim and do something about getting onto the road to recovery (not sure if recovery is the right word ).

I decided to take my life back. And I have, both in small and large ways. I decided to not let my abuse define me. My blog originally started off as a coping mechanism for my abuse and has evolved into a memoir with a collection of posts that cover a variety of topics, from my abuse to my minuscule talent as a poet.

I would like to thank all of you that have joined me on my journey to become the woman that I was always meant to be. Thank you!

And happy third anniversary to me!

If you’d like to take a look back in time at previous anniversaries to see how far we’ve come, I’ll post the links below.

2016: Two Years and Counting

2015: Anniversary

2014: Time

Two Years and Counting

“I didn’t want to upset my loved ones, but I couldn’t carry this alone.”

― Julie Flygare

Two years ago today: Time.

We made it to two years! A LOT has changed since.

To me in 2014:

We’re 20 years old! We’re in college. This is actually our second year in college. We’ve done quite a bit of growing up. We’re still, unfortunately, residing in our hometown. But we missed our grandmother while we were staying on campus. Even the incessant fussing.

We’re. . . still indecisive and confused about life, despite the growing up we’ve done. God! We sure know how to love. We were born for it. All those romance novels we read sure didn’t help none either. But. . . prepare for disappointment. There’s a reason love has a bad rep. Maybe two years from now, the me in 2018 will be writing to the me of 2016 and informing me that the guys we’re in love with now are a distant memory. I sort of hope that’s the case.

It doesn’t go away. Sometimes the memories and flashbacks sneak up on us. We still haven’t discovered all of our triggers and how to avoid them. We’ve discovered alcohol which numbs the pain some but we’re going to stop using it to self-medicate. Worse things can happen if we indulge in our alcohol use too much.

I miss you. We’ll never recapture the innocence of our youth but you’re more innocent than I am now and I miss it. I want that ignorance. It is bliss.

But congratulations to us and a big thanks to our readers. We’ve made it to two years and hopefully we’ll make it to several more.

Anniversary

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

— W. Somerset Maugham

I’m a horrible “partner”. I didn’t even know today was my blog’s anniversary. Happy anniversary! I know my first blog post was on August 30th, 2014, but I must have created the blog long before my first post. Today was also my move-in day. It was a little anti-climatic. First, I wasn’t certain I was going to get a key today because if your fees weren’t paid on the 14th then you wouldn’t be allowed to check-in but my financial aid was still pending. Second, I was supposed to check-in before 3 p.m. today but arrived on campus at around 3:30 so I was late. Third but not least, my meal plan doesn’t become active until the first day of class which is Wednesday so I would be stuck in my dorm with no money or food. But I managed to get my key today and my mom will be here tomorrow from Texas to take me grocery shopping so I will officially move in tomorrow. My belongings are in my dorm though so I just have to unpack, clean, etc. All in all, today was a good day if not occurring according to plan.

Time

My unwritten and unfinished story.

It’s time. Past time. I will be a high school graduate in less than 10 months. I need to get past/over this. I need to heal and move on. When I Ieave for college I don’t want to feel as if I’m running. Which I am. I’m running from myself, my memories, my past. I’m trying to run toward a future in which I feel completely myself. A future where I’ve finally found that missing part of me. I’ve found that innocent child that has been lost for so long, that child that yearns for a home but doesn’t know where to look. I’ve found me. In this future that I’m imagining, of course. I want that feeling of completeness. I need it. I won’t feel half myself.

So I will tell my story. The past and the future as it unfolds. This is me. I am Malia.