Personal

Epiphany

“It’s all in the mind.”

― George Harrison

I had an epiphany a few nights ago and the thought has been rattling around in my brain ever since.

I never realized how my relationship with my family has colored so much of my relationships with other people.

If I were being honest with myself then I’d admit that I feel as if I didn’t get enough love as a child. And its left me with this. . . Void. And I keep trying to fill it with other things, other people. I try to conform to someone that could be loved, all while keeping myself distant from everyone, giving the illusion of being attainable while remaining unattainable. It’s like I’m being both myself, the abused, while also taking on the characteristics of my abusers, as armor.

I thought of Batman as an example. He loves me in his own way but not the way I need, wholly and completely. He keeps a piece of himself separate from me when I love him with all that I possess because with him, I don’t want to hold anything back. I want him to see me but instead I find myself in the familiar position of yearning for his love, not dissimilar to how I longed for my mother’s. I never got it. To this day, I don’t feel as if she ever come close to loving me. I can’t believe I’m in the same boat, trying to earn Batman’s love and approval.

And I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged at any one place. Lately, this feeling of not belonging has intensified and I’ve begun to isolate myself from almost everyone. My social anxiety is through the roof and interacting with people has become to feel like a chore.

Each time I’ve found myself in a rut, I’ve managed to claw myself out. This time. . . I haven’t the energy nor the desire. When I’m alone, I feel safe. No one can disappoint or hurt me. No one can withhold their approval or love if there’s no one around for me to try to impress.

I just feel as if I’m in this endless loop and I just want the cycle to break at least once. At least once, I’d like to reach a high and not come crashing back to this devastating low, wiping all traces of any happiness I’d had while above ground.

I hate depression, I hate anxiety, and I fucking hate PTSD, excuse my French.

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Personal

The Journey So Far. . .

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
― Bill Waterson

Well, I’ve officially been in my apartment two months so you could say I’ve settled in. I’m in that stage where the bare walls are starting to get to me and I’m imagining them covered in all kinds of pretty decor.

I’m also in the stage where I’ve reached the end of my rope with working two jobs. I’ve begun the process of leaving one of them. I’ll probably be putting my two weeks notice in by the end of the week.

I haven’t flunked out of college yet, just barely. School. . .  has become a chore that I’ve grown tired of doing. I keep hearing the phrase “college isn’t for everyone” and I always thought that that’s what people who couldn’t keep up in college said. I guess I’m one of those people. It’s. . . difficult to focus on school and prioritize it when I’m in the real world and I have an adult-ish job. I work in a pharmacy as a technician. I make decent money. I have my own place and my own car. And I know so many people that have graduated with my major and are still looking for a job in that field post-baccalaureate. At the moment, I have a hard time seeing the benefit of school.

I’m just trying to avoid being discouraged and keep my head above water. Batman has been real supportive and encouraging, despite the complexity of our relationship. Lately, I’ve been leaning on him for emotional support, more that I’d like to. But he’s been my rock, my only constant. I don’t think he gets why I’m reluctant to let him go. When it feels like everything around me is changing, he’s been my one constant. Even when we’re not together, he’s there for me. That’s more than I can say for most of the people in my life. And I’ve only known him for two years.

I’ve already registered for the fall semester so I’m still hanging in, despite the hit that my GPA is going to take after this semester. It can only go up from here, right?

Personal

Do Not Think

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
―Edgar Allan Poe

Sanity. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding onto it by a thread. A thin, threadbare thread.

That thread. It is composed of all the things I do not bare to think about. How can something so thin contain so much, I do not know. It defies the laws of physics.

Today I found myself thinking of the things I don’t think about that others have observed. It’s as if I wear my trauma on my sleeve. For instance, I never think about my aversion to touch. I didn’t realize I had an aversion. But aside from a few select family members, there are perhaps three people that I can bare to touch me, two of which I can’t stand for too long. Only Batman can touch me for an extended amount of time without stirring my anxiety and causing me to be uncomfortable.

Barriers. I’ve been described as distant, indifferent, and even heartless. I never put too much thought into how much I distant myself from others and the barriers I put into place. Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the person others are describing as me. She sounds so cold and lonely.

My future. I actually thought I think about it too much it. But I only think about the interim, the short-term. I never think about that vast expanse that stretches before me when the thought of my future comes to mind. It’s intimidating. Frightening, even. Because when I think of my future, I think of all the issues I have and how it’s going to take more than one lifetime to deal with them all. It’ll take several lifetimes for me to finally reach normalcy. I don’t care to think about that future.

Family. This one is intricately tied to my future because I don’t seem them in it. My issues coalesce and I see a bleak future without family or friends because I’ve isolated myself from them all. They grew tired of beating their heads against my impenetrable barriers. And I cannot bare the thought of punishing a child by having me as a mother. I look at my sister and I’m envious of her and the relationship she has with my niece because deep down I know I’ll never allow myself to feel such closeness and vulnerability with another. I’ll never have a child of my own. More importantly, she seems immune to the issues that I have despite having suffered the same. Perhaps it’s because I’m older and remember more clearly than she. I pray that’s the case and that she never regain those memories. I’d rather be the broken one than her. I’d prefer that none of them remember and I can do the suffering for them so that they can have normal lives.

The list goes on but today these were the ones that plagued my mind. Like demons, I had to exorcise them here. May my mind be at peace the rest of the day.

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Freedom & Wanderlust

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“I urge you; go find buildings and mountains and oceans to swallow you whole. They will save you, in a way nothing else can”.

― Christoper Poindexter

I’m frightened of some many things. But the one thing I fear the most is being too afraid to live. I think that this is the year I start living. Freedom has never looked so tempting. I want to lose myself in a new city, in a new town and see sights I’ve never seen before. I want to live.

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First Apartment

“The proverb warns that, ‘You should not bite the hand that feeds you.’ But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself.”
―Thomas Szasz

The spoiler is in the title. I’ve officially got my first apartment. I signed the lease Tuesday and moved in Wednesday. Entergy will have the electricity transferred into my name tomorrow and my internet provider will come by next Thurday to set up my Wi-Fi. My first month of rent is due next Thursday as well. I have grown-up bills now.

The only furniture I have at the moment is a bed, however. Batman provided the bed and promised to provide a desk and chair on Saturday. He’s been a godsend. While I did purchase a few things on my own, he bought the bulk of my bare necessities, including about two weeks worth of groceries to get me started. I wanted so badly to do this move on my own and be independent but the start-up cost as he reminded me exceeded my budget, which only covered bills. So, he spent a great deal of money on what doesn’t look like much but is everything I need until I can afford to get more on my own. Needless to say, he’s always going to be my rock, even when our relationship is murky at best and complicated as hell at worst. I owe him a great deal.

2018 is more than shaping up to be a good year. I’ve got my first apartment, grown-up bills, and I’m on the ball with school, going so far as to print out notes for lectures that are weeks in advance so I can stay on top of everything. This is going to be not only a good year but my year.

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Resurrection In 2018

“I am destroying myself so other people can’t,” she said, “and it’s the worst kind of control but it’s the only form I know.”
― Sue Zhao

I’m back! And it’s a new year, so new me? You bet. A more determined, confident, and driven me.

2018 is kind of getting off on the right foot. Batman and I over, romantic relationship-wise. We’ll probably still be friends and he may be around in some aspect. He also may not. For once, I genuinely think I’m okay with that. More on that later.

Batman and I have also shared the same roof for about two years now. It certainly put our relationship into perspective. If anything, it highlighted how incompatible we are for each other. So, I’m currently looking for a new place. I was looking last month as well but got lured into staying by the amount of money I’d be saving by staying with him. What changed? Me. I’m not that strong to continue staying when I know he’s not good for me, emotionally. And I did not piece myself together as I am to have him undo it. I’m not perfect but I’m sane, I’m coping. He took me back to a version of myself that I never want to be again.

New year, new start, new semester, new me. I feel resurrected or as if I’m finally waking up from a long slumber and oh, boy, did I sleep. To 2018!