Heart

“You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.”

What does it mean to have a heart? I believe I have no heart because I refuse to allow myself to feel what my mind perceives to be painful. One cannot experince love without first falling in love and one cannot experience pain without first having lost love. I experience neither. A few months ago I was asked out by this guy. I turned him down. I now realize that I had really liked him and that with time my feelings for him could have become something stronger than mere fondness. I had intentionally sabatoged what could have been a happy and fullfilling relationship. Why did I do this? And why do I suddenly want that relationship now even though my behavior had ruined any chance of it? Either I don’t have the answers to these questions or I don’t want to answer them. I think it possible that I’m afraid to love someone other than my own blood and to have them treat me worse than my own family does. That would be the ultimate betrayal that I don’t think I would ever be able to recover from. To allow myself to be that vulnerable with someone and give them the potential to hurt me. . . .  my heart, even though its existence is in question, would not be able to bear it. I’m not sure I can ever allow myself to fall in love. I am content with having no heart. Or so I tell myself.