“I urge you; go find buildings and mountains and oceans to swallow you whole. They will save you, in a way nothing else can”.
― Christoper Poindexter
I’m frightened of some many things. But the one thing I fear the most is being too afraid to live. I think that this is the year I start living. Freedom has never looked so tempting. I want to lose myself in a new city, in a new town and see sights I’ve never seen before. I want to live.
“The proverb warns that, ‘You should not bite the hand that feeds you.’ But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself.”
The spoiler is in the title. I’ve officially got my first apartment. I signed the lease Tuesday and moved in Wednesday. Entergy will have the electricity transferred into my name tomorrow and my internet provider will come by next Thurday to set up my Wi-Fi. My first month of rent is due next Thursday as well. I have grown-up bills now.
The only furniture I have at the moment is a bed, however. Batman provided the bed and promised to provide a desk and chair on Saturday. He’s been a godsend. While I did purchase a few things on my own, he bought the bulk of my bare necessities, including about two weeks worth of groceries to get me started. I wanted so badly to do this move on my own and be independent but the start-up cost as he reminded me exceeded my budget, which only covered bills. So, he spent a great deal of money on what doesn’t look like much but is everything I need until I can afford to get more on my own. Needless to say, he’s always going to be my rock, even when our relationship is murky at best and complicated as hell at worst. I owe him a great deal.
2018 is more than shaping up to be a good year. I’ve got my first apartment, grown-up bills, and I’m on the ball with school, going so far as to print out notes for lectures that are weeks in advance so I can stay on top of everything. This is going to be not only a good year but my year.
“I am destroying myself so other people can’t,” she said, “and it’s the worst kind of control but it’s the only form I know.”
― Sue Zhao
I’m back! And it’s a new year, so new me? You bet. A more determined, confident, and driven me.
2018 is kind of getting off on the right foot. Batman and I over, romantic relationship-wise. We’ll probably still be friends and he may be around in some aspect. He also may not. For once, I genuinely think I’m okay with that. More on that later.
Batman and I have also shared the same roof for about two years now. It certainly put our relationship into perspective. If anything, it highlighted how incompatible we are for each other. So, I’m currently looking for a new place. I was looking last month as well but got lured into staying by the amount of money I’d be saving by staying with him. What changed? Me. I’m not that strong to continue staying when I know he’s not good for me, emotionally. And I did not piece myself together as I am to have him undo it. I’m not perfect but I’m sane, I’m coping. He took me back to a version of myself that I never want to be again.
New year, new start, new semester, new me. I feel resurrected or as if I’m finally waking up from a long slumber and oh, boy, did I sleep. To 2018!
I don’t accept this
I don’t accept that this is how I am
How I was meant to be
I will change me
I will mend this broken heart with these clumsy hands
And if I should drop it
Better my hands than yours
The stranger gave no reply and she didn’t dare look up. Instead, leaves rustled under foot as he stepped closer. Another gust of wind brought forth the scent of stale coffee as the stranger took another step forward. She tensed, prepared to run but some instinct told her she wouldn’t get far. He hadn’t seemed out of breath in the slightest when he’d appeared out of thin air earlier. He’d followed her and perhaps it had been the thrill of the chase that had made his eyes shine as they did.
Cold fingers gripped her chin, cold as a corpse some irrational part of her mind mumbled, and forced her to look into eyes that seemed to shine as radiant as the sun. Something inside her screamed. Then a thin red line at his neck caught her gaze. She frowned as it appear to widen. Her eyes widened with shock and her heart froze as the line widen and oozed until he his head slid clean off his shoulders. A scream got caught in her throat as the body slowly dropped to its knees and did a slow descend to the ground.
He says I do not think for myself
Perhaps he’s right
Perhaps I present to him a blank canvas
To fill with his words, wants, desires, dreams, disappointments
Paint me, make me, shape me, mold me, break me
“And how do I kiss”, she stammered out.
He leaned in ever so slightly, bringing with him a waft of chocolate as his lips twitched and he murmured, “You kiss as if you’ve never been kissed before.” She blushed and averted his eyes, refusing to admit he’d hit the nail on the head.
Another whiff of chocolate had her glancing up and meeting his knowing gaze. Mischief sparkled in his eyes. His lips curved into an evil smile as he replied, “Perhaps I should give you a real kiss then.”