“It is a very painful thing, having to part company with what torments you. And how mute the world is!”
― Robert Walser
Lucid dreaming: dreams in which the dreamer is aware of dreaming. The Old English verb dremen meant “joy, mirth, noisy merriment” and “play music”. But who cares, right?
Well, I kind of care. I’ve realized why my nightmares always seem so real and vivid. I’m not sure if it’s due to my PTSD but I seem to have stumbled into lucid dreaming, or more accurately, lucid nightmares (lucid nightmaring? No? Okay.)
Have any of you seen the movie IT as a child? I didn’t. I’ve seen snippets of it so I know it’s a horror movie about a clown. Seeing how I’m a horror bluff, it’s odd that I haven’t seen IT. I’ve never had a fear of clowns but a few nights ago I had a nightmare about a clown. Sort of. Do clowns wear tall top hats, like a circus ringmaster? Circuses and clowns, every kids’ favorite dream. I don’t remember much about the dream except this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad was about to happen and that I needed to wake up to avoid witnessing it. So I did. I forced my physical eyes open and for a few brief moments, I couldn’t discern the dream from reality and it appeared as if the clown was sitting in the chair across from my bed in my room, laughing. It had to be one of the single most scariest moments of my life. And it wasn’t even real.
I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. Cue the insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my mind and when your nightmares become present in your waking reality, who wouldn’t feel insane?