Wings of Sorrow

She froze and the breath she didn’t realize she was holding got caught in her throat. His eyes gleamed as if a thousand fires were banked behind them. And arching over his shoulders, brushing the ceiling, were wings. Actual wings. As the air came rushing out of her, the ground came rising up to meet her. Darkness claimed her before she hit the floor.


Counting Sheep

“If there is a book that you want to read but it hasn’t been written, yet, then you must write it.”

― Toni Morrison.

Ever had a story trapped inside you, clawing to get out but unsure of how to release it? Well, I do. To push myself to write more, to blog more, I’m going to try to write something every other day. I’m too easily distracted to do it daily. It’s an exercise that I want to try. Give myself a goal, a limit, a deadline. I will try to write “snippets” of the story bubbling inside me every two days. Maybe one day I’ll be able to fit them together into something coherent.

It’s about an hour past midnight. I got off from work about 3 hours ago. Until I cracked open my laptop, I didn’t recognize this for what it is. Insomnia. It kind of snuck up on me. Guerilla tactics. I had downed a Red Bull yesterday at work around 7 p.m. I made it home sometime around 10:30 p.m. Want to know when I fell asleep? 5 a.m. this morning. I blamed it on the energy drink. Except I’ve been feeling exhausted all day, haven’t had an energy drink, and somehow incapable of falling asleep despite running off maybe 4 hours of sleep.

I find that my insomnia doesn’t subside until I address whatever is unsubconsciously bothering me. This time I’m at a lost at what it could be. Batman and I have fallen into our usual trope of being in a relationship but denying that it is one. I have passed both of the summer courses that I was taking. My savings account is looking nice and I’m working and making enough to take care of my bills and not feel completely bereft after the fact.

Oh, well. My next post will be a “snippet” from my untitled and unfinished fictitious story.


Dream Journal

“It is a very painful thing, having to part company with what torments you. And how mute the world is!”

― Robert Walser

Lucid dreaming: dreams in which the dreamer is aware of dreaming. The Old English verb dremen meant “joy, mirth, noisy merriment” and  “play music”. But who cares, right?

Well, I kind of care. I’ve realized why my nightmares always seem so real and vivid. I’m not sure if it’s due to my PTSD but I seem to have stumbled into lucid dreaming, or more accurately, lucid nightmares (lucid nightmaring? No? Okay.)

Have any of you seen the movie IT as a child? I didn’t. I’ve seen snippets of it so I know it’s a horror movie about a clown. Seeing how I’m a horror bluff, it’s odd that I haven’t seen IT. I’ve never had a fear of clowns but a few nights ago I had a nightmare about a clown. Sort of. Do clowns wear tall top hats, like a circus ringmaster? Circuses and clowns, every kids’ favorite dream. I don’t remember much about the dream except this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad was about to happen and that I needed to wake up to avoid witnessing it. So I did. I forced my physical eyes open and for a few brief moments, I couldn’t discern the dream from reality and it appeared as if the clown was sitting in the chair across from my bed in my room, laughing. It had to be one of the single most scariest moments of my life. And it wasn’t even real.

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. Cue the insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my mind and when your nightmares become present in your waking reality, who wouldn’t feel insane?



Happy 4th

“The blessings in which you this day rejoice are not enjoyed in common. The rich inheritance of justice, liberty, prosperity, and independence bequeathed by your fathers is shared by you, not by me. The sunlight that brought life and healing to you has brought stripes and death to me. This Fourth of July is yours, not mine. You may rejoice, I must mourn. ”

― Frederick Douglass

Not to rain on anyone’s celebration of the independence day of our country but happy 4th everyone. I couldn’t help but be reminded today that the 4th of July doesn’t hold the same meaning to everyone. Me and mine still celebrate it but sometimes it’s easy to forget where we’ve come from and how far we’ve come. I didn’t want to forget that today. Happy Independence day.