“How does he manage to break my heart and yet set it at ease at the same time? God, I love him. I think I always will.”
Things never do workout the way you thought they would.
I’m officially single again. Batman and I have agreed to put our relationship on hold and take a break. It’s been a longtime coming. I’m both saddened and. . . . relieved. We’ve agreed to give being friends a try. I do believe that will workout far better than us being a couple has. This “break-up” has been reminiscent of the first, bittersweet. I could hear the affection in his voice, affection that I’ve long since thought was absent. I truly think we will be okay. He said we will always be good and it’s reassuring to think that he will always be nearby, albeit in a diminished capacity. How does he do that? How does he manage to break my heart and yet set it at ease at the same time? God, I love him. I think I always will.
“At the temple there is a poem called “Loss” carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.”
― Arthur Golden
Well, as of Friday, April 21, 2017, I lost a second grandmother, my paternal grandmother. That would be the second death in my family this year, barely two months apart. 2017 is clearly not my year. It’s a good thing I never claimed it would be.
ALOT has been going on or so it feels like. I have been under a lot of stress lately. And it’s not easing up anytime soon. School has become stressful, work has become stressful, and my personal life. . . I’m not sure I want to touch that one.
I feel like an emotional wreck. I’m not sure if its hormones or something else. I feel as if so much is going on that my mind is having trouble focusing and processing any one thing therefore I’m tearing up over small irrelevant things. I cried on my way to work, just because. I can’t deal.
The funeral will be Saturday, April 29, 2017. There’s a number of family members that were closer to my grandmother than I was. A few were present with her at the end and witnessed her take her last breath. If I’m having trouble dealing, I don’t know how they’re coping. My maternal grandmother went into this almost catatonic state towards the end of my aunt’s funeral last month. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever witnessed in my life, watching someone that strong break. . . It paralyzed me. I don’t think its too selfish to hope nothing remotely similar to that happens on Saturday.
I also hope and pray that death is done visiting my family. We’ve had enough. I’m 20 years old and I will be attending the ninth funeral I’ve been to in my entire lifetime. In my lifetime, nine of my family members left this world. I will have attended the funerals of 3 grandparents, 2 cousins, 2 uncles, an aunt, and my god-father. For someone so young, that’s a lot of death, in my opinion.
“Relaxing your hair is like being in prison. You’re caged in. Your hair rules you. You didn’t go running with Curt today because you don’t want to sweat out this straightness. You’re always battling to make your hair do what it wasn’t meant to do.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I rarely talk about my hair journey on here, even though it’s a pretty big deal to me. I was always told by my grandmother that a woman’s hair is her glory, some biblical reference. Well, I took it to heart. I was raised United Pentecostal. In that denomination of Christianity, a woman shouldn’t cut her hair. In my grandmother’s eyes, clipping and trimming is the same as cutting. So, even though I hadn’t had shoulder length hair since Elementary school, I didn’t get my ends trimmed on the regular. I used a flat iron liberally and got relaxers every 3-4 months. Even though my hair was down my back, it wasn’t healthy in my opinion. My hair was long but remained the same length for well over 5 years. I had no length retention.
So, in March of 2016, I decided to begin a healthy/natural hair journey. I kind of fell off that wagon in November of 2016 when I got a relaxer after 8 months of transitioning. Well, I’m transitioning again. So far, its been about 4-5 months since I’ve had a relaxer. It’s frustrating but I’m determined to last longer than I did last time. I tried my first flexible rod set last night. It didn’t go well and it was a bit discouraging. But I’m going to attempt it again after watching some more YouTube videos. I’d incorrectly assumed that there was a specific way to do them but I’ve soon come to the realization that nearly everyone does them differently. Like most things about this journey, I have to decide what works best for me and my hair.
“Why do they always teach us that it’s easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It’s the hardest thing in the world–to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.”
― Ayn Rand
I think I found my spirit animal. I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across this post on readunwritten.com. Intrigued by her writing and how eloquently she expresses herself, I read some more of her stuff. And I’m jealous.
I keep thinking and feeling as if my life is passing me by and I’m letting it. I don’t have the courage to do what Beth did and pack my entire life in a U-Haul and start fresh in a foreign city. But I want to. I also want to finish up school here and get the hell out of town fast. I’m tired of feeling as if my life is missing something. I’m tired of having wanderlust and doing nothing about it. More importantly, I’m tired of feeling as if I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m not so sure I even want to be a programmer anymore. The more I read pieces from Beth and similar bloggers, the more I feel as if what they’re doing it what I want to do. I’m sure everyone has a fantasy of being a best-selling author or a front-page columnist. But how many people follow-up on that dream?
I want to. I want my life to be more than what it is now. I’m the only one that can make that happen. But where the heck am I going to get the courage to do anything remotely similar to what Beth did? Where am I going to find the courage to completely alter my academic plan and career goals?