Than This Provincial Life

“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere”

― Belle, Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Ever felt nostalgic for places you’ve never been? I do, all the time. I’m 20 years old and the farthest I’ve ever been from my home state is right next door, Mississippi.

I was scrolling down Instagram and it hit me that I’m going to be 21 in less than two months. I’ve hardly been anywhere or experienced much of anything. I live only 45 minutes away from my hometown. This. . .  is not where I had invisioned myself two years ago after my high school graduation. I’d wanted to attend college out of state. I wanted to travel, experience a white Christmas, see mountains for the first time, leave the country, fall in love with a foreigner. I’m probably going to write a bucket list for my next post.

I just feel like I’m in a rut. I’m in my early twenties and they’re supposed to be best years of my life and I feel like my life is unbelievably boring. I get more excitement out of reading romance novels.

I’m in the process of changing jobs. I want my own place more than ever but I was recently tempted by the idea of moving to Texas, where my mom resides. She was all for it, until it occurred to her that I’m financially incapable of getting my own place just yet. I’d have to live with her in the meantime. Suddenly, she couldn’t find enough excuses for why I should stay at my current University in this little town. I won’t stay where I’m unwanted, something Batman still hasn’t grasped. Nothing could make me more miserable than feeling as if I’m not wanted or welcomed. I had plenty of that while living with my mom.

For now, I just have to bide my time. Acquire a job that will provide me with the funds to secure my own place. Build up my savings so that I can take any adventure I want. Graduate in two years or attempt to transfer somewhere more exciting. I’d once said I didn’t like the unknown, who does? But. . . . it also possess an element of excitement, something that I’ve been feeling is missing of late. To quote Belle, “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.”

I Want So Much More. . .

“There is the great lesson of ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ that a thing must be loved before it is lovable.”
― G. K. Chesterton

Who am I kidding? Romance novels still affect me the same way. They always make me yearn for something I don’t have, something and someone I’m not sure even exist. I’ve been a fan of romance novels since I’ve developed the comprehension to read them. They’re a guilty-pleasure, old friends, a comfort. They encourage the romantic in me.

When I first entered a relationship with Batman, I couldn’t read my favorite genre of books. I felt mislead, betrayed, and sad. I didn’t have what they had in the books, couldn’t hold a torch to it.

Now? I still feel that familar twinge of melancoly, nostalgia, and yearning. There’s something else there too. Optimism. As if I’m going to meet my prince Charming soon and everything will be alright. I thought I’d met him. I thought he was Batman. I guess apart of me is coming to the realization that Batman is my Mr. Right Now. He never wants to get married or have children. I don’t want that right now but I know someday I will. And it’s going to be a deal-breaker and a heart-breaker.

I love Batman but he was never the guy that I thought that I would end up being with. He even voiced the opinion that I should spare myself the heartache and find someone that will want to marry me someday.

Beauty and the Beast had always been my favorite love story of all. And today I came to the realization of why I love romance novels so much. I still feel like Cinderella, in desperate need of saving. Then, I needed someone to save me from the abuse that was occuring at home. Now? I want someone to save my flagging belief in happily-ever-after. Breaking up with Batman is going to break my heart, more than it ever has because these past few months I have developed the hope that he will change his mind and we will get married one day. After Batman, I’m not going to want to fall in love again. I don’t want to turn into that jaded person that doesn’t believe in love or marriages.

A part of me realized that while I may end up being happy with Batman if we ever got married, I would still yearn for more. I would still yearn for the love that some of my favorite heroines have. Maybe romance novels have ruined me for relationships. Maybe they’ve given me unrealistic expectations. I won’t know that until I stumble upon Mr. Right, will I?

Love’s Wilderness

“Why is it that we don’t worry about a compass until we’re lost in a wilderness of our own making?”
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Lost. I always feel lost without a sense of direction. The scariest thing to me about driving is having no idea where you’re going and getting lost on the way there.

I felt stupid last night. I felt like this fantasy that I had was tangible and within reach, only to have it snatched away. I know how Batman feels about marriage. I figured we would cross that bridge when we get there. I didn’t consider that we may never make it to that bridge. He’s graduating in less than 3 months. He may possibly be moving out of state for a job. Where does that leave us?

Where does that leave me? Feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. I love him and I love what we have. But sometime. . . . I feel like I want more. Lingering nostalgia from some of my favorite books and movies, perhaps. But isn’t romance supposed to be a whirlwind affair? I don’t know. We’re more mature now it seems. We’ve. .  settled into a routine. Where’s the passion, the spontaneity?

If we truly end. . . . I don’t know how I’ll feel. Heart-broken, for sure. But. . . . optimistic? I suppose it depends on how we end. Love is always a complicated matter for me. Realistically, I have very few, if any, models of it. I don’t know what love looks like, feels like. I don’t know if I’m even in love.

Here’s to romance.

Yours

write on this broken skin of mine

these cracked lips

this crooked spine

all of me unfurl at your feet

I’d shake myself out if I could

rest your heavy feet on my thin shoulders

my tears track a river down my cheeks

Is this love?

 

What Now?

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.”
― Margaret Atwood

Does Bruce Wayne ever get sick of fighting villains and trying to save the people of Gotham? 

Even the Batman that I know and love wears a mask around me. I awoke an hour ago to the sound of crashing objects and breaking glass. Batman had gotten ridiculously drunk while I slept and he was just throwing things around and breaking them. I didn’t know what to do and he was scaring me.

I managed to get him to put the whiskey down and come to bed but. . . I know he’s drunk and not making complete sense but some of the things he mumbled. . . He said he hates everyone and that people suck. Was there something that’s been bothering him and he’s been hiding it so well this whole time? Am I that self-absorbed?

He’s currently passed out at the moment and not in any shape to answer any of the questions that I now have. I’m worried about him and more importantly, I’m worried about us. 

Relationships are hard. They take work. They’re not all hearts and flowers as people portray them to be. Because we live together, lately I’ve been feeling that you commit to be there with someone through good times and bad, for better or worse, long before marriage. All couples should live together awhile before getting married, you really get a taste of what it’s like to be with that person all the time.

It’s hard and scary as hell. Like most things in life, you never know what to expect. Batman and I have some talking to do once he sobers up. I don’t know what else is in store for us.

Tribute

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.”

― Dr. Seuss

No pain, nor sorrow

Soar from this world on wings white as snow

I wish I could say, goodbye until tomorrow

There’s so much that you will never know

 

You’ll never know how much we wish you were here

Or how hard we try to not shed a single tear

I think I’ll miss your laugh most of all

And maybe all your Tweety bird pictures on the wall

 

Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

But I hope you left this world knowing that I love you

But no one loved you as much as your mother

And we know, you’re going to be with your brother

 

We will never know what new wonders you will see

But from pain and misery, you are free

We will never again look upon your face

But we know, you’re in a better place

 

You were the big sister I never had

We had a lot memories, both good and bad

The main thing I loved about you, you could never stay mad

You will be missed, more than just a tad.

Bye

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.”

― Dr. Seuss

It’s past midnight. The hardest day of my life has begun. I’m saying goodbye to my aunt today. I don’t even have a poem written for her service yet.

My bestfriend, Superman, and Batman. Three of the most influential men in my life, outside of family, won’t be there to support me. It leaves me feeling. . .  utterly alone. It’s not a new feeling but it’s not one I relish.

Goodbyes are hard. Apparently, they’re not supposed to be easy. Looks like I’ll be saying two goodbyes today.

I’m so tired of the Superman narrative. It’s beyond dead. We’re friends, we’re not friends, we’re talking, and then we’re not talking. But this is it. On the one day I really need him or someone to support me, I’m left alone. Unlike my bestfriend and Batman, who are working, he doesn’t have a valid excuse for not being there. I’m tired of being disappointed and abandoned by people. And today is not the day to do either. I’m done. This is the end of the Superman chapter, and just when I thought we could actually be friends, not like we were as friends who occasionally slept together. Well, it was a long time coming.

I know I’m using that as a distraction from the real pain. I can’t even think “I’m burying my aunt today” without tearing up. It doesn’t feel real. It shouldn’t be real. I shouldn’t be staying up late contemplating what I’m going to say over her dead body later today. She should be here, alive and well. I want my sister back.

“I wonder how you say goodbye to someone forever?”

― Ann M. Martin