Incompetent

“Apparently I lack some particular perversion which today’s employer is seeking. ”

― John Kennedy Toole

I’m starting to wonder if in fact I did indeed choose the correct field to work in. Or if I’m doing something wrong. I’m in my sophomore year and shit is getting real. I’m working on my first project, which I will have to present at midterms and finals to my professor and representatives from actual potential employers. I’m working on a resume in another class and researching internships to possibly apply for. I’m dipping my toes in the field that I could potentially be apart of after graduation. And I’m scared.

I feel. . . ignorant. As if what I know isn’t enough. I feel that in comparison to the real professionals, I don’t know anything and I’m terrible at what I do. I feel UNQUALIFIED. That’s the word I’ve been searching for. I don’t feel qualified or intelligent enough to do what my professors or future employers are expecting of me. Like how some people love to sing but can’t? I love programming but I’m not sure I’m good at it and my level of expertise is lacking in comparison to some of my colleagues that are in the same year as me.

Maybe I’m simply not confident enough. Maybe that’s okay for someone that’s only in their third semester of college. Maybe.

Set #3

Batman tells me I’m sulking. He’s probably right. He makes me feel better, even in the darkest of times. Well, I was planning on doing this anyway and its not Tuesday. But I could afford to write something light, more positive.

#1. What are your top three favorite book series?

There’s no specific order to this because I love them equally. My three favorite book series are Black Dagger Brotherhood, Cassandra Palmer, and Darkest London.

#2. What are your top three favorite t.v. series?

Supernatural, Charmed, and Buffy.

#3. What was the last book you read and how would you rate it?

It was Witch Fury by Anya Bast. I’d give it 3 stars.

#4. What is your favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe.

#5. Who is your all time favorite author?

Oh, that’s hard. If I had to chose right this minute. . . J.R. Ward, author of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series.

#6. What is your favorite song?

Right now its River by Bishop Briggs.

#7. What is your favorite video game?

The Sims. Its more of my favorite video game series. I’d love to work for EA one day.

#8. If you could invite three famous deceased people to dinner, who would they be?

Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, and.  . . Martin Luther King.

#9. What is your favorite movie?

It still is and will forever by The Mask, starring Jim Carrey.

#10. What kind of car do you drive?

Chevy Sonic.

Never-Ending Cycle

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

— Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Do you know who makes survivors feel shitty? The family members of the abuser. They have almost no consideration for the victims. In their minds, their loved ones could never do anything so vile, so heinous. Never.

Guess what? I just received another call from Child Protective Services. I’m 20 years old. I’m not a child and they were too little, too late in protecting me. The damage has been done. Once again, I had to described what I experienced as a child at the hands of my mom’s husband. I’d almost forgotten that he’d performed oral sex on me. Suddenly, the thought of it disgusts me. I almost feel ashamed for enjoying oral sex with Batman.

Take back my life. That’s what I want. That’s what I thought I was doing.

What is it with low self-esteem girls and baggy clothing? I used to try to hide behind my baggy clothing and large sweatshirts. To some extent, I still do. Back then, I used to hate my body because of the appeal it had for him. Now? I hate it because its changing. I’m gaining weight.

I just want this cycle to end. I want to be left alone.

 

Ambitions

“Ambition can creep as well as soar”

— Edmund Burke

Not quite midnight but I guess you could say I’m burning the midnight oil. I’m staying up to work on my homework for my online statistics class. The Spring semester has begun. I’m determined to acquire a 3.0 or higher GPA this semester. I really want a summer internship.

I’m currently enrolled in this project course and it will make or break my college career and/or my desire to be a programmer. I’m yearning more and more for the simple days of web design. Batman would say that’s my desire to take the easy road rearing it’s head. He would be right. Web design was fun and easy, not nearly as complex and vast as Computer Science. I miss it.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate. Graduate school. .  . has it’s appeal but that option depends on my financial situation two years from now. Hopefully, I could afford it or have grades that are good enough to warrant a full ride somewhere. I just know I want to gain experience NOW. Two years from now, I don’t want to be stressing about student loans and lack of job prospects. I want one lined up for me as soon as I graduate. Optimistic thinking on my part but my degree, my major, its something I’m extremely passionate about, even if its a pain in the ass sometimes. I know its something I’m going to enjoy doing and I will put in the work required to make my dreams a reality. I wish I was so certain about other things in my life.

 

A New Year

“Do not complain beneath the stars about the lack of bright spots in your life.”

— Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson

Happy New Year!

I woke up at midnight to the sound of fireworks and discovered I was encircled in Batman’s arms. Not a bad way to start the new year off.