Personal

Lost With No Direction

“Every move I make feels lost with no direction”
― Miley Cyrus

I feel lost. I have for a very long time. All my life I’ve been shoved this way and that, other peoples’ choices shaping me into who I am today.

College was supposed to be my choice but it wasn’t.

I go to the My Trending Stories website and stare at a blank document. I want to write something inspirational and profound, why else did they chose me to write for them? But I’ve got nothing.

I am at a crossroads in my life. My heart is trying to mend itself, my head is reliving the past and obsessing over the future. I have two paths before me, for once I am technically making a choice, but neither appeal to me. Neither will give me what my heart wants NOW even though my head realizes that it’s no good for me, it won’t ultimately make me happy. I just wish I could capture and bottle what I felt then. Why does joy have to be so fleeting? Why does love have to be fragile?

I’m lost and running out of time. The Fall semester will be starting in less than two months. I have too much time on my hands, too much time to think and obsess. I love being a thinker and how my brain works but sometimes I wish I could just turn it off. Stop the chatter.

I went to the beach last night and it was so serene and peaceful. But even then, my mind was not at rest. Alcohol does the trick. Slows it down, quiet the chatter. It’s an awesome feeling. But it’s fleeting too and I’m not trying to turn into an alcoholic.

School will give me something to focus on. But I’m back to having to make a choice of which school to attend. To run from a place that almost feel like home for my sanity’s sake or to stay and risk those bandages on my heart being ripped off? Neither my head nor my heart can determine which will ultimately make me happy. There goes that pesky inability to predict the future again.

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