Personal

The Mask

“It doesn’t matter how many times you leave, it will always hurt to come back and remember what you once had and who you once were. Then it will hurt just as much to leave again, and so it goes over and over again.
Once you’ve started to leave, you will run your whole life.”

― Charlotte Eriksson

Garrett. My first love. No longer Batman. Just a man. Or a man behind a mask. And boy, did I get to see behind the mask. I saw a flawed, insecure, frightened man. I loved him anyways.

I feel like I’ve reached some form of closure. And not through contact with Garrett but by talking about him and my feelings for him, which are ever present, with someone I love and trust. My brother was the listening ear and supportive shoulder I needed after a long and tumultuous day. We’ve established that we’re both fucked up in the head but. . . . somehow its okay. We’re not alone. And I needed that reminder more than ever.

I’ve always felt like a failure and today I asked myself why and in comparison to whom. And I couldn’t find an answer. I am succeeding in comparison to nearly every person in my family. But somehow that hadn’t felt like enough. I’ve never felt like enough for anybody.

Firsts. My first year of college was a year of firsts. My first time living away from home. My first serious relationship. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first time getting drunk. My first and hopefully last “love triangle”. My first job. My first bill.

I feel like I’ve grown up a bit in this last “year”. I know what I want and I’m trying to go for it. I really feel like I’m on my own and technically I am. No one is helping me pay for my college education. No one is helping me look for an apartment. No one is paying my phone bill for me. No one is offering to pay for the repairs on my car. No one is going to pay my traffic violation ticket for me. I have to do all that and then some. All me. And. . . . its not entirely terrifying. Its almost freeing knowing that I’m capable of providing for myself. This chick has wings and ready to take flight. Its time for me to find a new home and make it out of a place, not a person. A home that no one can simply take away from me or take me away from. Home.

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