Personal

I’m Done

“I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.”

― Uma Thurman

I should have listened. To my mom, my sister, my grandmother, my friends, Superman; everyone that told me to leave Garrett alone and let it go.

I’m done. I’m done trying. I shouldn’t have bothered. I wasted my time, my words, sacrificed my pride and got nothing but. . . . confusion, more hurt, and anger.

“I have to figure out how to move on.”

 I’m sorry I don’t stop loving someone at the drop of a hat. I’m sorry my feelings are an inconvenience and that I’m taking so long to move on. I’m sorry my conscience ate at me till I tried my hardest to give us another chance. I’m sorry that love is more than a four-letter word to me. I’m sorry your name is still engraved across my heart. I’m sorry.

I’m done trying. I’m done with love and men and dating and the entire damn guessing game that relationships have been reduced to. I’m just done. No more.

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Personal

Going Somewhere

“Language is a poor enough means of communication as it is. So we should use all the words we have.”

― Caitlín R. Kiernan

Look at me making mile stones today!

I’ve officially made 200 posts on my blog. Woohoo!

And I’ve written my first article for My Trending Stories. I also have a link to my profile there. Do feel free to read what I write both there and here. I have a feeling that the material might differ a bit. We’ll see how well I’ll manage maintaining two blogs.

Personal

Lost With No Direction

“Every move I make feels lost with no direction”
― Miley Cyrus

I feel lost. I have for a very long time. All my life I’ve been shoved this way and that, other peoples’ choices shaping me into who I am today.

College was supposed to be my choice but it wasn’t.

I go to the My Trending Stories website and stare at a blank document. I want to write something inspirational and profound, why else did they chose me to write for them? But I’ve got nothing.

I am at a crossroads in my life. My heart is trying to mend itself, my head is reliving the past and obsessing over the future. I have two paths before me, for once I am technically making a choice, but neither appeal to me. Neither will give me what my heart wants NOW even though my head realizes that it’s no good for me, it won’t ultimately make me happy. I just wish I could capture and bottle what I felt then. Why does joy have to be so fleeting? Why does love have to be fragile?

I’m lost and running out of time. The Fall semester will be starting in less than two months. I have too much time on my hands, too much time to think and obsess. I love being a thinker and how my brain works but sometimes I wish I could just turn it off. Stop the chatter.

I went to the beach last night and it was so serene and peaceful. But even then, my mind was not at rest. Alcohol does the trick. Slows it down, quiet the chatter. It’s an awesome feeling. But it’s fleeting too and I’m not trying to turn into an alcoholic.

School will give me something to focus on. But I’m back to having to make a choice of which school to attend. To run from a place that almost feel like home for my sanity’s sake or to stay and risk those bandages on my heart being ripped off? Neither my head nor my heart can determine which will ultimately make me happy. There goes that pesky inability to predict the future again.

Personal

Bright Side

“True love will triumph in the end – which may or may not be a lie, but if it is a lie, then it’s the most beautiful lie we have.”

― John Green

I’ve set up my account on My Trending Stories! I have an author login and everything. I can start blogging away. I totally feel like Carrie Bradshaw.

At this point, I don’t have much to lose. I’ve already lost him. So, I texted him again. This time, I mentioned that I wanted to give us another try. He didn’t completely shoot me down. I don’t want to read anything into it. He said, “Now isn’t a good time.”

When is there a good or right time for love? There may never be a “good time” and I think that’s the point. It gave me some solace that he didn’t say he never wants to get back together but also neglected to provide me with false hope that we would.

I really need to be single for awhile and steer clear of Garret. You never forget your first and. . . . . if he wanted to get together today or tomorrow, I’d jump on that chance without hesitation. My feelings for him haven’t diminished in the least. They’ve done the opposite.

But I really need to close this chapter in my life. Allow both him and myself to move on.

I think I’m going to get drunk with my cousin tomorrow.

 

 

Personal

Finality

“A broken heart bleeds tears.”

― Steve Maraboli

I’m sorry I bothered. It was a bad idea. All the pain came rushing to the forefront. It was like my heart was being broken all over again. I didn’t even bother asking for a chance to give it another try. It was clear that any contact from me was unwanted.

I’m sorry.

Chapter closed.

Personal

Try Again

“When it’s gone, you’ll know what a gift love was. You’ll suffer like this. So go back and fight to keep it.”

― Ian McEwan

I want him back. It’s been almost two months, why haven’t I moved on already?

He still haunts my dreams and plague my thoughts. He’s an addiction that I can’t seem to kick. Everything and anything makes me think of him.

I want to try again. Be better.

Why can’t I let it go? I feel so pathetic. I feel weak. Vulnerable.

I hate this feeling. I hate that I still think of him. I hate that I still love him.

Love is a damn disease that I can’t seem to get rid of. I’m sick with it. Touched in the head.

The sensible, logical, and prideful part of me is saying let it go, don’t contact him. But. . . the part of me that he’s laid claim to says go after him, try again.

There’s a battle being waged in my head and heart. Unrest in the lands.

I read on another blog that I’m simply missing my ex because he’s familiar and safe and I feel kind of lost right now. Maybe the author is right. But my mind is like a dog with a bone and it has this idea that I can try again to make it work. My heart is ignoring the fact that it’s been stomped on twice by the same person and willing to risk a third try.

When everything in your body says no but your heart is saying yes, which do you listen to?

“The most confused we ever get is when we’re trying to convince our heads of something our heart knows is a lie.”

― Karen Marie Moning

Personal

Written Word

“If you show someone something you’ve written, you give them  a sharpened stake, lie down in your coffin, and say, ‘when you’re ready.’ ”

― David Mitchell

I suppose there’s more truth to the above quote than I thought. I guess that’s why I have yet to actually share my blog with my family or anyone other than close friends.

I’m slightly anxious about the role I will play on My Trending Stories website.

They claimed, “Your writing abilities and ability to engage readers is remarkable and a very rare asset in this days and age oversaturated blogging community.”

What if my writing falls short of their expectations? I already mentioned I have this habit of doubting and second-guessing myself. It’s odd to think that my writing will reach a much larger audience. That’s way more than I had anticipated when I first started this blog.

I forgot on what blog or the exact quote that I read something along the lines of, “I’m sending my words out in the vast cyberspace, hoping they reach someone” or something like that. Now I’m going to obsess over it till I find the exact quote. I hate quoting something wrong.

I just feel so vulnerable. Blogging is a double-edged sword and I’ve already thrown myself upon it.