Break

“We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It’s a death trap.”

― Anthony Hopkins

Spring Break has come at last. It was very much needed. I’m working the rest of the week but I went home for three days and I feel rejuvenated. Sometimes family can be a pain but sometimes they can give you that pick me up that you didn’t even realize you had needed. Even though nothing is resolved and the semester isn’t over yet, it feels like it. Maybe I’m just basking in the glow of having so much stress lifted from my shoulders. I needed the break from work, school, Superman, and Batman. And I got three days of it. Not that that’s what I’m doing but I don’t see how some women can juggle two men. I can’t juggle one. Superman is still a big question mark to me. And Batman. . . . well, I don’t see him leaving my life anytime soon. I got a key to his place, not that that means anything. But its nice having access to a “safe place” which is what his place has come to be. It’s away from school, work, and Superman. And when Batman isn’t there, it’s away from him too, even if it is his place. I need something like that of my own. A refuge. Some place I can go to get away from everything and indulge in some me-time. In the three days that I was home, I yearned for peace and quiet, even though I enjoyed being around my family. I guess that’s why I needed to be with them. I didn’t have much time to myself to sit and overthink everything. Now all I have to dedicate the rest of the week to is work. And its a slow enough job that I will have plenty of time to myself to overthink. I guess three days is a long enough break for me.

I don’t Know

“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Maybe I’ve been thinking about this wrong. In my previous post, I mentioned I’ve hit an emotional low. Well, Batman has been my knight in shining armor. I think I need to stop actively trying to lose my feelings for him and simply allow them to fade on their own. It’s nice, comforting, to have someone I can depend on when I’m in need or an emotional wreck. Batman is that someone and I’ve begrudged that fact but if not for him, I’d probably be curled in a ball and crying in my dorm. Instead, I’ve spent the past three nights at his place. I called into work (for a third time) and got all of my homework assignments completed, which were causing me some serious amount of stress. Now, those are out of the way and Spring Break is quickly approaching. Superman. . . . . I still haven’t reached a consensus on him yet. I inspired him to create a blog. I’d love to share it because I like it so far but I’ll respect his privacy and refrain from doing so. I don’t know what to think about him. Batman thinks Superman is desperate and moving too fast. I don’t know what to think. He met a couple of my friends a couple of days ago and they took an instant liking to him; they even asked for his number. He claims he’s a simple guy but I don’t believe any man is. He’s a puzzle that I haven’t figured out yet and I’m not sure what’s there to figure out. I know what he wants from me. I know how he feels about me. But I still don’t know him. He seems to be of the opinion that Batman stands in the way of my wanting to get to know him. I’m not sure he’s wrong. Batman’s a safety blanket, of sorts. I don’t know. That seems to be a frequent collection of words that leave my mouth of late. And I don’t. I don’t know what to think, what to do, or what I want.

Dumb Decisions

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
―L.M. Montgomery

I don’t know where to start. Today and last night have been somewhat of an emotional low for me. I got drunk last night with Superman. It was not the wisest decision on my part. I had a math test that I didn’t prepare for this morning. I started crying in middle of having sex with him. It was humiliating and unexpected. I didn’t cry while having sex with Kid but if I were being honest, he wasn’t all that good at it. I kind of expected Superman to be just as bad, and to be able to cease contact with him just as easily. I was so not thinking clearly. He wasn’t terrible. If I hadn’t broken down then I probably would have enjoyed it. As it were, everything was put to a stop and I asked him to leave. And then I did something even dumber. While sobbing, I called Batman and he offered to let me come over and comfort me. Shortly after Superman left, I went to Batman’s place, downed another drink, and fell asleep while snuggled up to my ex. I seem to be on a streak with making unwise decisions. And today I nearly broke down in tears while taking my math test. Who did I call afterwards? If you guessed Batman then you’re correct. When I’m in need or when I’m an emotional wreck, he’s my go-to person. I know its unhealthy and pretty fucking pathetic. Whoever said your exes are like a bad habit that you can’t seem to kick, they know what they’re talking about. I feel terrible and I have been completely forthright with Superman. He said he’s willing to wait till I’m ready for more. I don’t know when that will be or if I want to open myself up to another person and be vulnerable with them. Look how it turned out when I did that shit with Batman. Clusterfuck is the word that comes to mind. Or mindfuck. Either way, its a mess and I’m still picking up the pieces of myself.

Pride and Weakness

“Words, words, words.”

— William Shakespeare

I really don’t know why I want to write. Maybe as a way of procrastinating writing my speech. I’ve called into work for the past two days. I came to a point where I had to choose between school and work and I chose school. I have a speech due Monday and a math test and English midterm on Tuesday. I haven’t started writing the two essays for my English midterm or glanced at the practice test for my math test. I think I’m a little stressed. Superman has been super nice and offered to help me in any way he can. It’s. . . a bit unsettling. I have a lot of pride. I hadn’t realized that till recently. I felt. . . uncomfortable accepting or asking for Superman’s help, even though he offered. I don’t like asking for help or feeling dependent upon anyone. He’s also quite observant. I’m very reserved with him. I’m still not over Batman. I know this. But I’m so adamant on not beginning anything with Superman that I’ve been somewhat of a bitch to him. I think its a defense mechanism. I want his company and at the same time, I want to be alone. So I’m unintentionally being a bitch to him in an attempt to make him leave me alone, to lose interest. I think I really want to be left alone, despite knowing its probably unhealthy. I need to get out, do things, and focus on important things, like school. But even when I’m with Superman, I’m thinking of Batman. I kind of don’t even want to publish this. I don’t like the fact that I’m not over Batman yet and that he knows it, even though he doesn’t lord it over me. I think hating him or being angry with him would help but. . . its a waste of energy and he’s still so.. . . . accommodating to me that it would make it hard to stay that way. I found a friggin beetle in my dorm a few nights ago, which I had mistaken for a cockroach, and the first person I called was Batman. He came over to kill a bug for me and allowed me to stay at his place because I was scared of a roach. I thought that was the sweetest damn thing even though it wasn’t a big deal or some declaration of love. I really do need to stay away from him and cease contact but its hard. I miss him and I like being around him and I like him coming in here like some damn hero to slay a roach for me. I guess I still am a romantic at heart. And Batman is clearly my biggest fucking weakness.

Superman vs. Batman

“Superman when he goes after someone is essentially not trying to beat them, he is trying to save them from themselves… You’re looking at a God who walks amongst men!”
— Max Landis

I went out on a date last night. I had fun. I went to eat at Olive Garden and went bowling afterwards. The guy I went out with styles his hair similar to Clark Kent so I’m going to call him Superman, which is somewhat ironic. I went out on a date with Superman, while my mind was preoccupied with Batman. That sounds like a romantic comedy. I’m not looking for another relationship or even a hookup. But I had fun and Superman kept me from moping about Batman while huddled under my covers in my dorm. He was a nice. . . distraction. That sounded horrible. I like the guy but being with him didn’t completely take my mind off Batman, especially since we were sharing our experiences with the opposite sex. Clearly I still care about Batman since I defended him when Superman called him a douche. He’s not. We were just incompatible and I drew the short straw and got my feelings more involved than his. I wish I could take him off my mind and keep it that way. And I don’t want to jump into a “rebound” relationship with Superman. He’s had a tough break with his own ex, he doesn’t need my baggage. No one wants to be the rebound, but I honestly needed to get out of my dorm and Superman kept a smile on my face the whole night, despite my preoccupation. We’re going to see a play Friday that my friend is starring in. Unfortunately, I’m too hung up on Batman to see this as the beginning of anything.

 

P.S. Superman had this awesome quote tattooed on the inside of his forearms. It’s Shakespeare.

Cowards die many times before their deaths.
The valiant never taste of death but once.

Familiarity

“One of the best times for figuring out who you are & what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.”

― Mandy Hale

I got accepted to another college. I don’t know if I want to transfer or not. I’ll miss the school I’m currently attending, my coworkers, the city, and. . . . Batman. I still miss him. It hasn’t even been two weeks and I thought the feelings would just disappear but I miss him more today than I did last week. It probably doesn’t help that we keep in contact and I was over at his place last week. It felt. . . like nothing had changed; as if the breakup hadn’t happened. He can’t ultimately give me what I want. I know that. It doesn’t stop me from wishing he could or missing what we had. We were happy. He made me happy. I think what’s withholding my decision is familiarity. This school,  this city, Batman, all of it has become familiar. What if I transfer and become unhappy there? Should or would I transfer back? I don’t know and I don’t think it would be the same as before I left, if I do leave. I think I really need to make Batman inaccessible to me. Its so easy to call him, text him, or go over to his place. So easy. And what makes matters worse is he’d let me. He’d let me come over and spend a night or call him or text him. When you break-up with someone, don’t both parties usually cut contact? I guess once again I’m using popular misconceptions and applying it to my unique situation. But I miss him and I’ll miss this place. But in the end, he’d be a lot harder to access.

Transient

“I’ve never been able to plan my life. I just lurch from indecision to indecision.”

— Alan Rickman

I’ve had an epiphany. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine and I realized why I’m indecisive. It all goes back to regret. Most us have seen The Titanic or The Notebook or Letters to Juliet. Some might disagree but I think those movies have to do with regret. I don’t like making decisions because I’m always pondering the consequences of each action. 50 years from now I don’t want to wonder what-if about anything. I want to be secure in the knowledge that I made all the right choices for me. I don’t want to regret not doing something; not chasing a dream, not choosing a career, not going to a certain college, etc. But that’s life. You make mistakes and you regret. How do you avoid regret? How do you make the “right choices”? How do you know if something is the right choice? None of those questions can be answered without taking risk. Taking the risk of finding out the answer by taking action or making a definite decision. Right now, I’m in between decisions. I’m considering changing my college and my bank. But I don’t know what’s the right decision. Stay at the college I’m currently attending or transfer. Choose Capital One or Chase. Life is a gamble. Whoever came up with that expression couldn’t have described it better. I just don’t know where the die will land.