What do I do?

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
― Carroll Bryant

The beginning of the end. Don’t you hate it when you’re right about something you desperately wanted to be wrong about? Batman and I sat down and had the most serious talk we’ve ever had. I feel like a fool, like I was blind the entire time we’ve been together. Batman told me that if we stay together, our relationship will MOST LIKELY not get anymore serious than it already is. He emphasized the most likely, to avoid making it sound so definite, absolute. It sounds pretty definite to me. He said he doesn’t like to have obligations or anything that could tie him down. In other words, he doesn’t want a commitment. I feel like this isn’t even a relationship in that case because any relationship is a commitment. He said its up to me if I want to end things or not. What the hell would be the point of staying in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere?? Which is going to be more painful? Ending things now or 5 years from now when I want to get married or meet his parents? I feel like such a damn idiot. Worse, I feel like I should have known better. I should have known better to expect that I could be happy and in love and have life finally going great for me. I am such a damn idiot.

Heart & Home

“What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the one who caused your pain? How can I want so desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone.”

― Amanda Grace

I’m such a big baby. I think the last time that I cried on my grandmother’s shoulder was when I was going through the legal stuff concerning my abuse. Well, last night I cried like a baby while clutching my grandmother’s waist. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming and I wasn’t sure what I was crying about, my past abuse or Batman. They say home is where the heart is. I guess last night I needed to go home to help mine mend. I needed that cry, I needed my grandmother to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I guess somethings you never outgrow. I’m almost 20 years old and when I’m going through something emotionally overwhelming, my first instinct is to go home. Home is where I feel safe, protected, hidden. And it’s not a place. Home is wherever my grandmother is. Batman and I are still talking. He’s completely ignorant of how his words devastated me. I don’t plan to tell him. I think I’ve opened up enough to him, and look how well that turned out. I don’t know what I plan to do. I’m not sure staying in this relationship is the right or healthy thing to do. But it is the easiest, the less painful thing to do. Guess I’m a glutton for punishment, huh?

Ruined

“You want to know what love is? Its the thing that ruins you.”

― Alice Hoffman

I’m over reacting. I’m on my menstruation so I’m highly emotional right now. I texted Batman that I love him. I know, it was a dumb decision. And it worked out as most dumb decisions do, not well. The paraphrased version of his response is that its quite fast for me to feel the way that I do, he isn’t there yet, and I’ve somehow made things complicated for him. I don’t know why but his response destroyed me. I literally sobbed for an hour. Things can get misconstrued over text but the overall tone was condescending and I felt childish for expressing my feelings. I was suddenly 13 years old again and trying to explain to a police officer an adult action in a childish way, the way a child understands it. Wow. I’ve never had flash backs of my abuse when I’m with Batman or thinking about him. But his words took me back. I felt like a child again. He made me feel that way. I don’t think I can look at him the same. I ruined things. I ruined my mother’s life, my grandmother’s, my sisters’ childhood, and now I ruined my first serious relationship with three little words. The thoughts that are running through my head aren’t good. I think it will be a while before I feel. . .  sane. Wow. I’ve been destroyed by three little sentences. I knew this wouldn’t end well. Happiness rarely last long for me.

 

Dream Vs. Reality

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”

― Jodi Picoult

I think I’m in love with Batman. That would sound more ground breaking without the ‘I think.’ It’s just. . . I don’t know how to explain it. He. . . isn’t who or what I’d imagined I would fall for. Does that make sense? The guy that I’m dating and falling for is nothing like the guy I’d dreamed I would be dating and falling for. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. It makes me wonder if I’m in the right relationship or if it’s okay to not be with the guy of your dreams. I wonder if the guy of my dreams even exist. I’ve read way too many romance novels and that sort of influenced the image I have of the guy of my dreams. And Batman doesn’t even come close to it. He’s more. . . real. In fact, this entire relationship has been a revelation. Relationships and dating is nothing like its depicted in romance novels. I guess that’s why they’re considered fiction. They’re not meant to be taken literally. But I did. And I waited for Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. Instead, Batman scaled the walls of my dormitory. And now he’s scaling the walls around my heart. What if this ends? I can live without him. But how would I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart? How would I ever possess any desire to fall in love again? Love is a gamble. And I think I’m losing.

“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”
― Sarah Dessen

Life

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

― Albert Einstein

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. I could never abandon this blog. Its. . .  like a  safety blanket. I might not always need it, but when I do, I know its always there for me to reach out and grab onto if I need to. I’ve started my new job. My first job. Today marks my second week on the job. I actually work tonight. I’ve dropped two classes in the past 2 months and changed my major. It’s still in the same field. I’m considering getting an apartment in the summer, maybe. I recently purchased my own phone so I’m paying my own bill and building my credit. Isn’t adulthood grand? The “friend” that I’ve mentioned in previous posts is in rehab. He was in a bad wreck. I found out via mutual friends. I haven’t visited him. I don’t plan to. It brought me no pleasure to hear of his condition and my family is praying for him but he chose to leave my life so I plan to leave it that way. It may sound harsh or unsympathetic but to quote him, “I’ve closed that chapter of my life.” I’m not reopening. I’m not reaching out or contacting him in any form, shape, or way. It’s life. It goes on, people move on. I’ve accepted his decision to leave my life so I’m going to move on with it, continue living it the way I see fit. Anyone that doesn’t like it can walk out just like he did. Batman and I are still going strong, 4 months in the works. I think that’s enough information to cram into one update. Hope everyone have a great day!