“I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn’t even have to go to school during your period. You’d just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.”
― Andrea Portes
I’m tired. But I thought I’d update you all before I went to bed and let you know that I’m not pregnant. Yay! I was miserable today. I think this may be my worst menstruation yet. I was a mess today. I’m feeling better now but I’m bone-tired. Needless to say, Batman and I will be extremely more careful in the future.
“Everything depends on upbringing.”
I’m not sure how to write this. I’ve done several drafts at this point. I’m late. I didn’t want to use that phrase but it cuts right to the point. I’m late by a few days. At this point, I’m not worried. Stress has caused my menstruation to be late before. But I did tell Batman, in the event that it isn’t stress. He didn’t take it well. He’s worried. We talked. If this is a fluke, I’m glad we got to talk about how we both envision raising a child. To say our views differ is an understatement. Nothing matched up. We couldn’t agree on a single thing. Apparently, we’d be the type of parents to argue about everything, down to the kid’s name. I’m worried. Not about being late; yet. But about the fact that Batman and I can’t agree on how to raise a child. We’ve been dating almost four months now. It’s a big deal. Especially right now that there is a possibility that I might be carrying his child. I’m scared. He keeps saying our differences makes things interesting. But interesting only last for so long. I have feelings for him. He’s a great guy. I know that he’s going to take care of me if I’m pregnant. But. . . if what we have is unstable and insubstantial, is it really something we should bring a kid into? I don’t know. Hopefully, by the end of the week I’ll be singing a different tune.
“Even though your time on the job is temporary, if you do a good enough job, your work there will last forever.”
― Idowu Koyenikan
I got the job! I can start as soon as my criminal backgroun check goes through. This will be my first job. I’m both relieved and surprised that they decided to hire me. I’ve never held a job before so I have zero experience. I was nervous the entire time I was being interviewed. But I got the job. I will soon be a working woman.
“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
It’s Martin Luther King day. I still haven’t received any word from my “friend”. I’m starting to think he wasn’t much of a friend at all if he can so easily throw our friendship away simply because he can’t have me in the way that he wants. Life goes on. I was supposed to have a job interview today at 2:30 but it got rescheduled to Wednesday. I hope I get the job. It would be my first. My first week of class, which was only two days, went well. I think this semester will be a successful one. Batman and I are okay. It totally slipped my mind but the 8th of this month marked our 3rd month together. I’m surprised we’ve held on this long. I really don’t have an inkling of what the future holds for us as a couple. Some days I think we’re going to be together forever, and on other days I’m certain we’re going to breakup at any minute. Its a pendulum. It swings from one end to the other. But that’s life. It goes on.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on”
— Robert Frost
“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky
Batman and I did not break up. Are all relationships an emotional rollercoaster? My best friend stormed out last night after admitting his feelings for me and interrogating me on mine. I guess he didn’t like my responses. I haven’t heard from him today. I think I may have lost a friend. That was my longest friendship. I knew him for what seemed like forever. I believe we’ve known each other for almost 10 years or more. I made it back to campus yesterday. I drove here so my grandmother has finally handed over the car she had bought me for graduation. My mind is. . . . frazzled. I had left my key in my dorm door and walked away and forgot to lock my car. I want my friend back. I want things the way they were before. Yeah, there was always an underlying tension or possibility for something more but I’m in a relationship. I’m half in love with Batman. Why did things have to get so. . . . messy? Even if we remain friends, this. . . incident will always be at the back of our minds. We’d never forget it. Or at least I wouldn’t. My bestfriend has feelings for me. And I don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about me. Why can’t people stay the same? Why do they have to change on you? I don’t think I will ever understand people.
“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”
― Katie Kacvinsky
I just want to build a wall and block everyone out. Batman hurt my feelings and I just have this sense of impending doom. The end of us is nearing and I’m hurting. So, I want a wall and I want everyone on one side and myself on the other. I HATE pain. And this hurts. I need that damn wall. And I want to put my pain on the other side of it too. If this is what it’s like to care about another person, then I want no part in it. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to hurt. I want a wall.
“Don’t let two men fall in love with you, girls. It’s not the sort of thing that ends well.”
― Ally Carter
Why can’t the guys in my life be simple? “Seann” was insincere, of course. I’m glad I didn’t fall for his crap. Batman and I haven’t been speaking as much as we usually do lately. In fact, I feel a distance manifesting between us. And my bestfriend may have romantic feelings for me. The last two times we’ve hung out felt a lot like dates. He even told me we should hangout less because he “wants what he can’t have”. I feel like I’m going to lose him and Batman. School resumes Wednesday. I’ll be back on campus Monday and Batman assures me that we’ll see each other more often then. But. . . I don’t feel like a priority in his life. I don’t feel like he values me. It’s just. . . . his actions lately make me question if we even have a relationship outside of school. We saw each other two days the entire month that we’ve been on winter break. My bestfriend, whom I’m not in a relationship with, drove from another city to see me and drove back the same day and had work later that day. He’d also stayed up on the phone with me until a few hours before he drove here so he’d barely got any sleep. But Batman couldn’t spend two hours with me on New Year’s Eve because he was going duck hunting the following morning. I don’t know what to think or do. I feel like my relationship with these two guys are falling apart. And I don’t know what to do about it. Or if I want to do anything about it.