In Too Deep

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

― Neil Gaiman

Oh, I’m in trouble. I spent Saturday night and most of Sunday with Batman. A few hours after he dropped me off, I started missing him again. Suddenly the time we had spent together didn’t seem like enough. I want more. I miss him. I want to spend more time with him. Entire days and nights. I want to see him everyday. I think I know what I’m starting to feel and I’m scared. I can’t think of a single other guy that I’ve felt this way about. I think I’m in over my head and I know that should this end, its going to hurt like hell. I just can’t get over that. I know that nothing last forever but it’s like there is a part of me that’s both dreading and anticipating the end. As if it’s inevitable. It’s like my subconscious knows this is temporary. I don’t want temporary. I don’t want my relationship with Batman to be temporary or to end. I miss him so much it almost hurt. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Three weeks was too damn long to go without seeing him and I’m griping about missing him after seeing him a few hours ago. What is wrong with me? The mere thought of him has me all in knots. I think it’s quite clear my feelings for Batman are undergoing a transformation but I’m still in denial. I’m not ready to admit how I feel about him even thought the warning signs are glaringly obvious to me. Like I said, I’m in trouble.

How Will I know

“This one’s going to hurt. I can feel it.”

Those are the thoughts that go through my head every time I contemplate Batman and I breaking up. I just got through watching an episode of Friends and it got me thinking about my own relationship. Breakups hurt. They’re supposed to. . .? There are some people that believe that breakups are supposed to hurt. But my question is why do people breakup? Okay, there are numerous answers to that. But what about the answer to how do you know when someone’s right for you? How do you know? Everyone’s idea of Mr. and Mrs. Right is different so how do you know if you’ve met Mr. or Mrs. Right? Batman is picking me up later tonight and I have to inform my grandmother that I’m spending the night at his place. That’s going to go so well. But I’m not ready for her to meet him or vice versa. I only want to introduce one guy to her. And that’s the guy that I want to marry. Mr. Right. So how and when do I know if Batman is Mr. Right? And how the hell am I going to handle the pain of finding out he isn’t Mr. Right if that happens to be the case?

Christmas Blues

“Like snowflakes, my Christmas memories gather and dance – each beautiful, unique and too soon gone.”

– Deborah Whipp

I think I was sad for last year’s Christmas too. I don’t know what it is about the holidays but instead of uplifting me, they bring me down. I just. . . . miss the Christmas of my childhood. That time is gone and will never again be recaptured. I miss Batman too. I’ll see him tomorrow. I don’t feel like talking to him today. I don’t want how I’m feeling to affect his Christmas. Christmas is not what it used to be. I guess the holidays change as you get older. I was excited to see my niece and baby sister for New Year’s so I can give them their gift but after seeing the pictures my sister posted on Facebook, I’m no longer excited for that. I wanted my gift to be special but I’m thinking it might be pretty meager. I was working on a budget. I’m just sad today. Maybe the weather has something to do with that too. It looks gloomy outside. I have the Christmas blues.

Friends

“There are going to be some people who at some point of your life will become your friends. And some friends, who at some point, will become just people.”

― Chanda Kaushik

I think I’m becoming a Scrooge. All of my former classmates are posting on Snapchat videos of Christmas parties that they threw and I’m feeling left out. I know these people. They have my number. And yet, I didn’t receive one single invite. Its like high school all over again. I was always stuck at home. Only places I went were school and church. I’m on winter break and still stuck at home. I’m spending next Saturday night at Batman’s place and we’ll spend all of Sunday together. He’s like the only person thats inviting me out anywhere and he doesn’t even live in the same city as me. He lives over an hour away. Where are my “friends” when I need them? All of my classmates that are getting together, we’ve known each other since middle school. But while they were making meaningful relationships, I was trying to survive the most traumatic time of my life. It was during that time that I built my walls up. I can count on one hand how many people I call friend and at times I don’t even feel all that close to them. I feel distant from nearly every person I know and I’m not sure who’s responsible for the distance, me or them. It’s times like these that I truly hate the holidays.

And just as I was ready to throw a pity party, Batman texts me. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s psychic.

Time

“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
— Dr. Seuss
It waits for no one. I saw a post on Facebook by the mother of my sister on my dad’s side. She said my sister will be 18 next year and I was stumped. I was thinking that can’t be right, I’m two years older than her. But I’ll be 20 next year. So that does make sense. I just can’t believe it. And this year we celebrated my little sister’s 16 birthday, the one that gave birth to my niece. Naturally she’ll be 17 next year, one step closer to being a legal adult. Wow. My siblings are growing up and I can’t believe it. Its like I have this image of them as little kids embossed on my brain and I can’t see them growing up before my eyes. They’re becoming young men and women. We’re all growing up and it makes me a little sad. I’m not a kid anymore and soon, neither will they. Time is flying really fast and I just hope we don’t let the moments that matter pass us by. I don’t want them to be in a hurry to grow up. I’m certainly not in a hurry to see them in a new light, as adults, capable of making their own decisions; no longer in need a big sister. I miss who they used to be.

First Semester

“The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he’s dead.”

― Bette Davis

It’s over. And it was a success. All of my grades have been officially posted and I’ve finished the semester with a 3.7 which means I should find myself on the president’s list once they compile the list. I’m proud of my accomplishment and happy that my GPA is what it is but I’d thought I’d feel more. . . .  excitement. I’m happy; just not as excited as I’d thought I’d be. I am excited about the prospect of being offered more scholarships though. My first college experience has been eye-opening, interesting, fun, and exciting. Since I’ll be taking more hours next semester, I hope I’d do just as good as this semester. Maybe I’d be more excited. Perhaps that’s why I’m not all that excited. My grandmother is more observant than I gave her credit for and she mentioned that I like a challenge. I guess that’s true. I didn’t really struggle all that much in my classes this semester, aside from writing that history paper. My classes didn’t really challenge me this semester. Next semester will be the real challenge. I hope I’m up for it.

Reward

“You’re like the good side of all that. I’m not sure how to explain it. You’re like my reward. Like when you earn an A in class and you feel good. You’re my A+”

— My Batman

He really has a way with words huh. It may not sound all that romantic but I got the sentiment behind it and it was sweet. Especially after what preceded it. I mentioned that I spoke with Batman’s cousin on the phone last night. Well, she’s a lesbian. Batman was telling me how their grandfather basically kicked her out of the house because of it. And. . . . that’s what he has to look forward to once our relationship comes to light among the rest of his family. I kind of felt like a burden after that and well, the above quote  is a snippet of his response. It makes me feel a little better. I just don’t like the idea of Batman being ostracized by his family. And he told he already knew before he met me that that would happen should he ever bring an African American girl home. He told me of another relative who also got the boot from just having an African American FRIEND in the house. Its bad. No one said it would be easy,  I guess. But I’m glad he thinks of me as his reward despite all that; the bright spot on his day.