Motherland

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”

― Sarah Dessen

Back home and it feels great. Not sure I mentioned on here before but I have a pet cat named Smokey. He’s gotten fat while I was gone. My grandmother has been overfeeding him. She’s also having problems with her vision so the entire time I’m here, I’ll be driving her around. She’s lost alot of weight too. It kind of worries me. It makes me consider commuting next semester. I feel like I should be here, keeping an eye on her. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I love that woman and I don’t want anything to happen to her. I also need to take my cat to the vet while I’m here. And finish reading this book for history so I can start writing my book report that’s due on the 1st. That’s next Tuesday. I have a week. It’s kind of stressing me out. It feels good to be home and I don’t even know why. I guess there’s no place like home.

“How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

― William Faulkner

Long Time No See

“Life is a mirror: if you frown at it, it frowns back; if you smile, it returns the greeting.”

― William Makepeace Thackeray

I know its been awhile since I’ve posted. Things have certainly settled down. The end of the semester is approaching. I’m going home for Thanksgiving break next week. Batman and I have been dating for six weeks now. I actually spent the night at his place Thursday night. I can’t say Batman and I haven’t had our up and downs. At least twice this month I was sure things were going to come to an end. And I’m starting an organization on campus. Two of my professors have agreed to write me a recommendation letter. All I need now is to find an advisor. I think I’ve kind of gotten the hang of this college thing. I’m going to be taking 19 hours next semester. Hope I manage to have some free time. I might drop a class and make it 18 hours. This semester has flown by. I’ll be going home for the summer in no time. I don’t know how Batman and I are going to handle that. A problem for another time, I guess.

Shawn Mendes

“I love it when you just don’t care
I love it when you dance like there’s nobody there
So when it gets hard, don’t be afraid
We don’t care what them people say”

— Shawn Mendes, “Life of the Party”

Today marks one month that Batman and I have been together. He’s supposed to come see me later today, whenever he’s done duck hunting. I was on YouTube, attempting to discover some new artists that I might like when I came across Shawn Mendes. I was listening to his song “Life of the Party” and there was one line that got stuck in my head, “we don’t care what them people say”. I know that even today there is still some stigma associated with biracial couples, especially in the south; a region that I happen to reside in. And that line made me think back to Thursday night when I was in the bar with Batman and we were dancing. We were toward the front, where all the other couples were dancing and I noticed instantly that we were the only biracial one there. I kept thinking “I wonder if they’re thinking what a black girl like me was doing with a white boy like Batman”. Eventually I stopped caring. At that point the alcohol had kicked in and I just started gyrating on Batman. But back to Shawn’s lyrics. Yes, Batman and I are a biracial couple but I really shouldn’t care what other people think or say. And eventually, once I was drunk, I did stop caring. I was the one black girl in the bar dancing with a white guy. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only instance that the difference in Batman’s race and mine got to me. Usually it doesn’t bother me. Its just in public when I feel so conspicuous and out of place, like everyone is giving us funny looks or condemning us. I know its ridiculous but racism is very prevalent in the area I’m in. It doesn’t help that Batman had already warned me that his family lean toward the “only date your own kind” type of attitude. But that’s my thought of the day. Its been a month and eventually I’m going to have to meet his folks and face their prejudice. I’m so not looking forward to that.

Two Days Shy

“There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defense or reserve”

― William S. Burroughs

Thursday marked four weeks that Batman and I have been together. On Sunday, it will be a month. Two days shy of Sunday. I also got my refund on Wednesday so I did a little shopping Thursday that put me in a great mood. And Batman and I went out to a bar later that night with one of his friends. I got drunk for the first time. It was fun. I had a blast and Batman was so sweet, he took great care of me while I was drunk. I think we established that I’m a very light lightweight. I didn’t even finish half of my cup before I was feeling light headed. I had rum and punch. I really like him. Maybe because its only been a few hours since my first drunken experience but all those doubts I had before are gone and I like the direction we’re heading in. I really want this to work. I’m getting attached very quickly. While I was drunk I told him I was scared and I am. I’m scared of how much potential he has to hurt me. It terrifies me. He can break me so easily. Sometimes I wonder if the fear alone will drive me mad. Its like I’m waiting for the eventual pain, like its inevitable that he’ll hurt me. Who the hell said relationships were easy?

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Definitive

“A man is like a novel: until the very last page you don’t know how it will end. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth reading.”

― Yevgeny Zamyatin

One day, just one day, I want to be able to definitively know how I feel. My feelings and thoughts are always all over the place. My relationship with my mother has certainly improved with distance. She even says she miss me. Her and my sister are the only ones in my family that I’ve told about Batman. I talked to her today about him. Batman and I have talked several times about the direction our relationship is going and it works for me but when I’m on the phone with my mom, I don’t how to explain to her how we’re not dating but we are dating. She kind of started ranting when I told her I don’t want her to call him my boyfriend since we’re not there yet. She makes me question if I’m really okay with this “relationship” that I have with Batman. Duck season starts Saturday and he warned me that I’m not going to see or hear much from him once duck season start and then he’s going to Iowa for two weeks in December for the army. . . .  I think it will be a miracle if our relationship survives till January, when the spring semester starts. And by then, I better damn well be his girlfriend.

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

― Stephen Chbosky