Personal

Dear Me

Its Halloween. I think my previous post already covered that but I went back and read the posts I made in October of 2014. I was in a bad state and I’ve seen a fellow blogger already do this but I kind of want to do it now. I’m going to write a letter to the me in October of 2014 because wow, things have changed. For the better I think.

Dear Malia in October 2014,

You wrote about death, love, balance, déjà vu, heart break, etc. There is so much I want to touch on. That hasn’t changed, we still have a hard time organizing our thoughts. There is a new guy in our life. He’s not like the one we were dating then and I think that is a good thing. I would like to think we’re more mature now. You’re going to fall in love with your niece and not give a damn who her father is because that is your blood. You will find balance, I think. The good right now is certainly outweighing the bad. You still won’t understand guys and the whole issue with Ebola and the detectives will blow over. Basically, everything you’re experience now, you will barely be able to remember in October 2015. Life will get better and you’ll be pretty damn glad, relieved, that you stuck it out and got to experience the good parts after the bad has ended. There is so much I want to say to you but I think you already know it, we’re only a year apart; we haven’t changed that much. I’m sorry but we won’t ever stop mourning the child we used to be. If only I could write a letter to her and warn her of the shit she is about to go through but I’m tearing up already and I would never be able to finish that damn letter. You’re gong to enjoy the freedom college gives you and you probably won’t believe me but you’re going to miss our family like hell; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes, you will even miss our grandmother’s fussing. When I heard her fussing on the phone to our aunt, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry; I missed her that much. I think I covered nearly everything. Happy Halloween of 2014, from Malia in 2015.

P.S. Despite being more mature now, we still become emotionally numb sometimes and just need to shut the world out. I hope we do it less often in the future but we’re still emotionally vulnerable individuals. Oh, and to some of those questions you had then, you still won’t get an answer to them. I guess more time has to pass.

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Personal

Halloween

“But I love Halloween, and I love that feeling: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner.”

— Evan Peters

Happy Halloween! Its absolutely my favorite holiday of the year. Too bad I’m not going to be doing much of anything on it. Its been a year but I think the above quote is the same one I used in 2014. I think its fitting. A cycle completed. I’m going to be sad to see October go. The time has flown. I can still remember last year’s Halloween, at least I had candy then. I can’t wait for next year’s October. I wonder what it will have in store for me. I hope everyone has a spook filled day and enjoy their Halloween!

Personal

All Hallows’ Eve

Why doesn’t the eve of Halloween have a name, like Christmas Eve? Halloween is technically also known as All Hallows’ Eve but maybe the night before Halloween should be called that. It should be a thing. Another title I was considering for this post was “Three Weeks” but its nearly been a month since Batman and I’ve been seeing each other so its time I stop counting weeks. We’re headed in the right direction, I think. I finally found out the root of his reluctance to date. It took a lot for him to open up to me about it so I consider that a milestone; it was clearly something extremely personal to him and I’m glad he opened up to me about it, after some considerable prying on my part. He acknowledge that I’m nothing like the girl from his past who broke his heart and he even called me the perfect girl. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Of course I’m pleased to hear him say that but I don’t know if that’s an indication of him developing deeper feelings for me. I overthink everything. We went to see Goosebumps last night. I can’t wait for our next date night. I really enjoy them and he genuinely appear to enjoy taking me out. We do it once a week and on the days we don’t go out we grab lunch together or just hangout in my dorm and watch movies. The sex is great by the way. Relieved that nothing is wrong with me and that with the right guy I can enjoy sex. I want to say my financial issue has resolved itself but it appears that every week I hear something different so we will see next week. And next Sunday will mark an entire month that Batman and I have been together. I’m glad we’ve made it this far and appear to be forming a relationship that might last. Only time will tell.

P.S. I guess you can say we had our first “fight” Tuesday night. That was when I first started pestering him incessantly about the reason he doesn’t date. To make a long story short he got pissed and we yelled at each other. He also yelled at me last night before he finally told me about the girl that broke his heart. I can be tenacious when I want to be and once again I’m glad we got to the root of the issue. Admittedly, I do feel a little bad that I kind of coerced him to tell me but when I first brought it up he said he will never talk about it and I just couldn’t stand the idea that he will forever keep hidden the reason our relationship may possibly not get any further than it already has. It may make me a bitch but our relationship is the better for it.

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”

— Nicholas Sparks

Personal

I Can’t

I’m lying to myself and everyone around me. I’m not okay. I’m not good. I don’t think I do well under stress and my financial situation has me stressed. I feel so fucking alone, like who’s there for me to reach out to? No one. No one is there when I need them the most. I feel like Batman would be here in a heartbeat, but its barely been 3 weeks, I can’t burden him with my emotional crap. I have literally no one to turn to. How am I to survive like this? I can’t. Thats all I can think: “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” What is it I can’t do? I don’t know but this financial shit is driving me up a wall and not doing my mental health any favors. I can’t. I feel so alone and stressed and I just can’t. I can’t do this.

Personal

Two Weeks

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”

― Lisa Kleypas

College is great. Batman is great. I passed my midterms last week. I got a B on the history midterm and an A on the English one. Batman and I seem to be heading in the right direction. We’ve been on a couple of dates now (couple as in several, Batman is adamant that couple only means two). He’s told me that he’s been dropping hints to his parents about our relationship to gauge their reaction. His mom is of the opinion that as long as I’m a girl then she’s happy. His dad is a wild card. Batman hasn’t discerned his opinion yet. I like Batman. He’s being very cautious about us and I’m actually fine with it. He’s not just looking at the here and now but also ahead; pros and cons of being in a relationship, his family’s reaction, how we’re going to manage time to see each other every week, etc. Hearing him list all his concerns makes me realize that I’ve had a very simplistic view of relationships. Its not just us being together; its handling each others’ moods, balancing school and a relationship, dealing with the fallout of his family’s reaction and my family, his dog (I’m a cat person), etc. Relationships take time and work. Today marks two weeks of us being together. Are we prepared to put in the time and work to make a relationship last between us?