“Hiding my pain and acting strong, afraid to cry and show my tears, I struggle with all this years later.”
— Erin Merryn
I rarely like to double post unless something is really bugging me. Its my about page. I want to change it but I don’t know how to reword it. Obviously some events have changed, for instance, I’m not in high school anymore. But it sounds so. . . . blunt. And I guess that’s the only way I can talk about my abuse. Blunt. Matter-of-fact. Like it happened but I’m emotionally detached from those words, as if I’m telling someone else’s story. Its my story and I need to claim it. I guess I’m kind of lying to myself. I feel aright. I’m alright. But I’m not. I’m not dealing and I’m not really forcing myself to deal. Who wants to deal with that crap during their first semester of college? But I ask myself, “Malia, when are you going to deal with it?” I stared this blog at the beginning of my high school senior year. I told myself that I’m dealing, look, I started a blog about my abuse. But what progress have I made besides making my life a side-show for anyone that has access to the world wide web? What is wrong with me? I have triggers, that’s what. I can’t watch Law & Order: SVU without getting choked up. I read someone else’s about page that’s been through something similar and I feel like I just opened a can of worms that I’m not prepared to deal with. I should really just get the hell off the internet and conquer my about page another day.