Goodbye Cruel World

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

― Frank Herbert

Sometimes I can see myself 5 years from now. And its not a pretty picture. I’m emotionally fragile. I can see myself in a one-bedroom apartment, huddled under blankets in a darkened bedroom, hiding from the world. Like I’m doing now, except light is actually coming through my blinds. But at the moment I’m fighting off a cold and waiting to get ready for my 2 p.m. class. But I am huddled under blankets and it feels good to kind of shut the world out. I don’t have to face it until about 30 minutes till 2 so I have enough time to walk to class. I have so many hopes and dreams for my life in the future and one of my fears is that none of them will come to fruition. That I’ll be hiding in my bed from the rest of the world, afraid of the next hurdle life is going to throw my way. My emotions really do yo-yo up and down. But I don’t want that for me. I don’t to be afraid to live life and face the world. I don’t want my last words to be “goodbye cruel world.”

Lucky Number: 101

“I didn’t want to upset my loved ones, but I couldn’t carry this alone.”

― Julie Flygare

Another milestone has been crossed. My blog officially has 101 followers now! Thank you to all my followers and readers. I love you all. I truly didn’t expect this blog to even get one follower or last an entire year. It has done that and more. This blog has become a safe place of sorts for me. There is no other place that I feel that I can comfortably describe how I’m feeling and/or experiencing. That’s both pathetic and comforting. Comforting because I have this blog and pathetic because I don’t have anyone or anything else that I can turn to when I’m in distress. And I want that. I want a rock, someone or something that I can lean on when I’m too weak to hold myself up and for the time being this blog has somewhat filled that role. Again, thank you all. Thank you for sticking with me for a year or however long you’ve been on this crazy journey with me. I couldn’t do it without you. Thank you from the bottom of my hear. Don’t stop what you’re doing. In a way, you’re upholding me just as much as this blog is. You’re all my rock. Thank you and be blessed.

P.S. The above quote isn’t about rocks because they all suck but it definitely defines this blog. I started this blog because I couldn’t hold my silence anymore. I didn’t create this blog to hurt or disparage anyone. I just couldn’t carry the burden of my past alone anymore. Thus, “This Is Me” was born (thinking about changing the name).

New Guy

“A man’s kiss is his signature.”

― Mae West

I vaguely mentioned on an earlier post that I’ve met a new guy. I’m going to refer to him as AJ on here. We’ve been talking for a little over a week now. I’m trying to take this one slow. So, no labels. For now. I’m still uncertain of what direction exactly we’re headed in. I’ve made it clear in the beginning that I’m not looking for a hookup or friends with benefits arrangement. But we kept conversating after that. We even hung out and watched Netflix without anything sexual happening. He respected the boundaries that I had put in place. When I had no contact with him for two days straight, I started freaking out and wondering if he was still into me. And then he arrived back in town today from Atlanta. He flew in from Atlanta, drove from New Orleans, has a test tomorrow that he has yet to cram for, and still managed to stop by and chill awhile with me despite claims that he felt like a zombie. Admittedly he was doing most of the talking since I still haven’t mastered the ability to say anything witty in his presence. I guess he got tired of my silence and awkward giggling *insert feminine sigh here*. Because he grabbed me by the nape of the neck and kissed me. It was hot as hell. Way hotter than they depict it in the movies. Even after we were done making out my lips were still tingling from his occasional biting and pulling. It felt good. It certainly helped banish my awkwardness. We talked awhile after that and then he left to cram for his test tomorrow (today since this happened hours ago). *insert feminine sigh here* I’m still thinking about his kisses even hours after he’s left.

Low

“No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main”

— John Donne

Maybe he was a catalyst. I haven’t really felt like I was feeling before “Seann”. Ever since I’ve met him, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. I don’t know if today is going to be a good day. I got out of my last class of the day, which is my only class of the day, about 2 hours ago. I feel kind of mellow. Sad. I feel like I’ve hit an emotional low. There is a soccer game tonight at 7 and I want to go with my friend and I have nothing to do but I had to seriously consider if I want to bother with leaving my dorm and facing people. I feel sad. And I don’t know what about. Lack of friends? Homesick? Silence? I don’t know. I just feel like spending the rest of the day curled up in a ball and crying about nothing. I really need to get out of my dorm but I just don’t feel like it. Maybe I spend too much time alone. But when I am with people, I feel withdrawn and awkward. I feel more like a nuisance than anything. Like why does my friend bother asking me to go out with her when I usually spend the night sitting in a chair on my phone and occasionally laughing and talking with them? When I’m interacting with people, I don’t feel like I’m contributing anything. I feel kind of invisible. I feel like I’m on an island and other people are millions of miles away. I can see faint shadows of them but they’re not close enough for me to grasp. They’re an illusion. Whenever I get close, they slip through my fingers, like sand on a beach. I’m not sure feeling this way is normal or healthy. I’m not sure I feel comfortable talking to someone about how I feel. My friend is an amazingly friendly person. She would be appalled to realize I feel this way with her and would go out of her way to try and fix it. But how can she fix it? The problem isn’t other people, its me. I used to have this mantra whenever I was interacting with my mom: Malia is never the solution, always the problem. I feel like that is true now more than ever. I have never felt so alone surrounded by people as I do now. It makes me want to withdraw further into myself. The further withdrawn I become, the sadder I am. I’m sad and lonely. Alone on an island that I’ve carved in a niche away from other people.

Outsider

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

― Jodi Picoult

I went out with my friend and her roommate again last night. But before we had hit up the same bar we always go to, we went to a play that some of our classmates were in. It was great. It was a comedy and a musical. Most of the cast were Vocal Performance majors and my friend is a Music Education major. So, needless to say she and her roommate and the classmate we rode with knew nearly the entire cast. There were lots of hugs and clapping going around. I kind of felt like the outsider. The voyeur. I didn’t know anyone other than the girls I came with. And they knew what appeared to be everyone. Every time someone came up to us I had to step to the side so they could hug the girls we were with. I had never before felt so lonely in a sea full of people. Like, here they were making all these meaningful relationships and I’d be lucky if my classmates would even look in my direction, least of all actually talk to me and hangout. I like it here. But I don’t feel like I’m making any friends. I’m lonely here. And after we left the play, we went to the bar. Where naturally I ran into “Seann, Jr.” a couple of times. I’m not sure if I want to be here anymore. I haven’t been home since move-in day, back in August. I think I might be homesick or simply need a change of scenery.

Landmark: 101

“My final destination is death, until then every achievement is a milestone which reminds me how far I came.”

― Vishal Sardhara

Holy shitzles! I know its not a word but I supposedly stopped using profanity a long time ago. But my previous post, Unity, was my 100th post and I didn’t realize it. So, here is my delayed reaction and mini celebration for one of the milestones that my blog has crossed. 101 and counting. . . . . .