“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare
Normally I consider myself a pretty confident person. I’m aware that I’m also extremely self-conscious. But I have an issue. I was applying for this scholarship/internship program and in the middle of it I just stopped and exited the application. I knew the qualifications and that I met them but suddenly I doubted that I would get accepted over the thousands of other applicants. I don’t know why I do this. The term that comes to mind is shortchange. According to Merriam-Webster, to shortchange is to give (someone) less than what is expected or deserved. I shortchange myself. And it never really bothered me or I never really noticed it until today. I just thought, “now why did I do something stupid like that?” Because its not like I don’t need the money. I do. But suddenly in the middle of the application I was thinking “whats the point? I’m not going to get accepted. I’m wasting my time.” Upon reflection, I should have just done the damn application. What could it have hurt? Now I just don’t feel like bothering with it because I’m too lazy to reenter the same information. But I wonder at what other opportunities did I allow self-doubt to discourage me from doing something that I was fully capable of doing.
P.S. Shakespeare just stole the words right out of my mouth. Wise man.
P.S.S. My laptop is currently plugged into the wall via Ethernet cable. Wi-Fi! I feel so slow for never attempting it before.
“Coincidence is important, the convergence of different ideas.”
― Dries van Noten
Well, isn’t that a coincidence. I was going to go to the computer lab and post yesterday but I had to wash and dry my clothes. What an empowering experience that was! Something so simple and yet so independent. I enjoyed doing it. But I’m posting today on August 30th, 2015. A complete year after my first blog post. Is that a coincidence or what? I didn’t realize it until I looked at the date. I guess its my blog’s anniversary, part 2. And its also the “official” end of my second week of college, even though technically that would be Friday. Week 3 begins tomorrow. My grandmother is supposed to come visit me today and finally bring me a router! Wi-Fi in my own dorm! My mom also promised to come see me tomorrow and bring me some money because the whole broke college student thing isn’t exaggerated at all which is what I assumed as a high-school student. And if blessings come in threes then I’m waiting on the third. Hopefully, once I get my router I can post more often and naturally be on social media more frequently too. In closing, cheers to coincidences and anniversaries!
“We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I’ve survived my first week of college! Which consisted of me actually living on campus for an entire week but only have class 3 days of that week but I haven’t went home crying. Yet. I hope my grandmother buys me a router soon. It sucks not having easy access to the internet. I didn’t realized how spoiled I was. At home I had Wi-Fi 24/7. Now I can only access the internet in certain areas of the campus which requires me to actually leave my dorm. No Netflix for this college student on the weekend. Speaking of weekend, hardly anyone stays on campus during the weekend. The campus looks dead. On Thursday, the parking lot outside my dorm was full. On Friday, it was half-full. On Saturday, I counted at least 10 cars still parked. Fortunately, that means that hardly anyone is in the computer labs which are open 7 days a week, from 6 a.m. to 2 a.m. (who is in the computer lab at 1 a.m.? I guess if I’m desperate and have a taser, I would be.) I guess now that I’ve updated my blog and did my math homework online, I’ll probably go see if the dining hall is open (hardly anything is open on campus during the weekend so the students aren’t the only ones that leave) and grab me some lunch.
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when we look back everything is different?
― C.S. Lewis
Well, I’m officially a college student. My first day of class was yesterday and I officially moved in Monday night. To my utter disappointment I don’t have wireless wifi in my dorm room. I have to buy a router to access the school’s wifi in my dorm and I have limited data on my phone so I couldn’t blog about how crappy my day was on Tuesday. First, I got soaked in the rain. Second, I missed an important meeting with my college department advisors. Third, I hadn’t checked out my textbooks. I had felt and still feel as if I’m out of my element, which I am. I hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by going to college. And I don’t want to disapointment my grandmother by dropping out. Its just change. I’m in a new environment and I feel alone, like no one can help me. It didn’t help that my STAR advocate was out sick Tuesday so I couldn’t call her for support. It just enhanced the feeling of being isolated. I’m away from nearly all that’s familar to me. I hope that eventually I will adjust and won’t feel so alone. But for now, I feel like I’m submerged in water and just barely keeping my face above the water that would inevitably drown me.
I rarely make short posts so here is one. Once again, happy one year anniversary!
“The only lies for which we are truly punished are those we tell ourselves.”
― V.S. Naipaul
“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
— W. Somerset Maugham
I’m a horrible “partner”. I didn’t even know today was my blog’s anniversary. Happy anniversary! I know my first blog post was on August 30th, 2014, but I must have created the blog long before my first post. Today was also my move-in day. It was a little anti-climatic. First, I wasn’t certain I was going to get a key today because if your fees weren’t paid on the 14th then you wouldn’t be allowed to check-in but my financial aid was still pending. Second, I was supposed to check-in before 3 p.m. today but arrived on campus at around 3:30 so I was late. Third but not least, my meal plan doesn’t become active until the first day of class which is Wednesday so I would be stuck in my dorm with no money or food. But I managed to get my key today and my mom will be here tomorrow from Texas to take me grocery shopping so I will officially move in tomorrow. My belongings are in my dorm though so I just have to unpack, clean, etc. All in all, today was a good day if not occurring according to plan.
“Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to.”
― Mitch Albom
Life is getting serious. I attended my meeting with the STAR advocate yesterday. It wasn’t as horrible as I had thought it would be. Technically her job is to find resources for survivors so it was extremely helpful that she offered to research job opportunities on campus for me as well as counseling. But I’m having financial aid issues. These issues aren’t nearly as bad as they were when applying out of state but there is still some charges that my substantial financial aid isn’t covering and its stressing me out. It isn’t much. Its like $500 worth of fees that I would have to cover out of pocket but when you have $0 then it seems like a lot. And I wish the deadline to pay wasn’t tomorrow because it could hinder me from getting my key to my dorm on Sunday. But that’s what I’m going through at the moment. I’m trying not to stress and over think or do something rash. Hopefully it will work itself out but I think I might have to rethink living on campus to spare myself some expenses. Life sometimes require sacrifices. I’m not sure who’s going to be more crushed if it comes to that, me or my grandmother.