“No matter how good you get you can always get better, and that’s the exciting part”
― Tiger Woods
I haven’t posted much recently. I’ve been dealing with life. Both good and bad aspects of it. I’ve finally enrolled in a driving class so hopefully I will have my driver’s license before I start college. I’ve also been job hunting. I’m starting to get a taste of what its like to be an adult and I need a job. My grandmother can’t support me financially forever. My sister and neice will be leaving me soon. They’re moving to Texas with my mom. I didn’t attend my appointment with my therapist. I chickened out. I’m all for moving on but I don’t know if I’m ready to open up to a stranger face-to-face about what I’ve been through. Some deep part of me still feels as if I’m not going to be believed. I guess its a fear thats been instilled in me due to my entire family’s lack of belief. I’m okay with going to college, with them still not believing me because I’m going to have a fresh start. But I don’t feel like reopening old wounds. My nightmares have stopped, my panic attacks have ceased, all is better; not completely good but better.
“That’s one step for man and a giant leap for mankind.”
— Neil Armstrong
I totally took the above quote out of context. But its what came to mind after I called the social worker/therapist for Sexual Trauma Awareness & Response (STAR). It took me 4 days to gather the courage to call but I did. And she wasn’t available and I was tempted to leave it at that but I left a voice message with my name and number. I’m still not sure if I’m doing the right thing for everyone else but I think its the right thing to do for me. My mom once told me that she didn’t want my “allegations” to ruin her boyfriend’s life. To quote the detective that I talked to in mid-May, “Its not okay for you to ruin his life but its okay for him to turn yours completely upside down?” No, its not. I’ve suffered in silence while the abuse was occurring and I’ve been suffering in silence for the past 5 years after I allowed my mother to silence me. Well, not anymore. I’m done suffering in silence. I’m going to schedule an appointment with that therapist. I’m going to do what I think is right for me. I’m not my mother’s keeper and I’m not responsible for the consequences of her boyfriend’s actions. We’re all adults here and capable of making our own decisions. Well, I’m making mine.
“We become strong, I feel, when we have no friends upon whom to lean, or to look to for moral guidance.”
― Benito Mussolini
A few weeks ago I spoke with some detectives. Again. They’re trying to rebuild a case against my mom’s boyfriend. Its the first time in over 5 years that I’ve spoken with someone about my abuse. I got a call today from a child protective sevice organization -even though I’m 19 years old- and I’ve been assigned a therapist and a support group. All I have to do is call the therapist to schedule an appointment and show up at the group meeting. No paperwork or signup and its free of charge. This was exactly what I wanted and needed a few months ago. Now I’m not so sure. I feel as if these things are a bribe from the police department for my cooperation. I may have to take the stand. I don’t know what to do. My mom seemed so happy to be moving to Texas and starting over there with her boyfriend and my siblings. No family around to get in her business or call child protection. But will my sisters be safe in Texas, with my mom and her boyfriend? I don’t know. I’m not sure this case is going to go anywhere anyways because they have no evidence other than my statement 5 years ago. I’ve certainly not experienced any abuse these past 5 years that I’ve been under my grandmother’s roof. I should call and attend the meeting. But I’m scared. Other than that one female detective, I haven’t discussed what happened to me to anyone since I was removed from my mother’s home. And I broke down. I thought I could recount what happened to me without feeling anything but suddenly I was a little girl again describing what happened to me the way only a child would understand. I couldn’t even use technical terms but the childish nicknames that I had decided on when I was being abused. Can I go through that weekly? Will it help me cope by reliving that experience again and again every week with someone I don’t know? More importantly though, isn’t it selfish of me to go through with this? I was asked not to tell my mom and I feel guilty that one day they will arrest her boyfriend and she won’t have any warning that she will lose the person that she thinks is the love of her life. I feel as if I’m betraying her somehow. I felt the same way when I started this blog but I was certain that she would never discover it. I’m a grown woman and still I want her approval. She’ll be disappointed in me but wouldn’t understand why I need to do this for me. It is selfish. I don’t know what to do. Once again I feel like a child, needing my mother’s guidance.