“The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters.”
― Audrey Hepburn
19 years ago today I was birthed into this world. I may not have always appreciated that fact or the woman who chose to give me life at a young age despite the sacrifices that she had had to make for my sake. But I’m glad she did and that I’m here to see a 19th birthday. In less than 2 hours it will be another day and I had an amazing time today. I can’t believe I’m actually 19 and will be 20 next year but I look forward to another year of life because it is truly a blessing and should be celebrated everyday. My heart also goes out to veterans that have fought for our country and hope they too are celebrating this day and/or remembering those that aren’t here to celebrate with us. I always knew that May 25th was a special day and not just because my mother gave birth to me on it.
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”
― Victor Hugo
Wow. Time is flying. I’ll be 19 in 5 days. Memorial day also happens to fall on my birthday this year so hopefully that doesn’t hinder any celebrations since a lot of businesses like to close on memorial day. I was born on May 25th. I can’t even imagine myself at the age of 25, least of all 20 and that seems like right around the corner. I’m nearly 20 years old. I don’t feel old but I am getting older. I’m slowly reconciling myself to attending a local college, that is if I ever hear back from them in time. I’m hoping to transfer after maybe 2 years but like most things, I’m going to try to make the best of it. It’s a completely new experience for me and I’m probably going to be commuting to campus since a waiting list for dorms has been implemented. I guess I should have applied earlier as a back up plan but I’m going to be optimistic for once and still apply for on-campus housing. The worst thing that could happen is that they run out of room and refund me my application fee. More money in my pocket for not living on campus. But I really don’t want to be living in my grandmother’s house during college so I hope I get a job sometime soon and can afford to move out. Scary. But not as scary as moving completely out of state despite the fact that that is exactly what I want to do. All in all, I am being hopelessly optimistic.
“It is better to risk starving to death than surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?”
― Jim Carrey
Life is pretty depressing. Dreams rarely, if ever, come true. Yesterday was my graduation. It was amazing. My grandmother and both of my parents attended. It was the best night of my life. And today life became all too real. I can’t afford to attend my dream school. Probably never will. I’ll have to apply late to a local college and most likely spend the rest of my life down here. Its not too bad but its just not my dream. It hurts to give up on a dream but thats life for you. Pain is apart of it and so is sacrifice. Life sucks right about now. Did I mention I love Jim Carrey?
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
Today was my last day of high school. I was too tired and relieved to shed any tears but I know I will be sobbing during graduation. I made it. For my family I’ve made history. I’ve accomplished what my own parents didn’t and left footsteps for my siblings to follow. Its bittersweet. I’m both scared and excited for what’s next. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the real world and what it means to be an adult. My grandmother says that a mother is only there to hold your hand for a little while but I’m not ready for her to release mine. Hold me tight. Don’t force me to spread my wings because what if they’re hole-ridden and I fall? Who will catch me then? I’ve always felt like life was passing me by and was eager to grasp it but now that it is in reach I want to run and hide behind my grandmother’s skirts like I used to do as a child. Now that I’m “grown” I just want to curl up in the lap of the one woman that has always been a mother to me and represented safety. I’m not sure I’m ready for what’s next. I don’t know what the future holds. No one does.
I had a direction but I got lost
I’ve never really had a diary
feelings, moments, are always fleeting
never quite able to capture them in writing
how do authors do it?
feel with words?
mine always ring hollow, empty
devoid of the emotions that were meant to bring them to life but failed to
when was the last time I really poured my heart into anything?
perhaps I am an empty shell in need of filling up, not my words
“Being Busy is better than being bored. Bored left a long time ago. Busy is always around for me.”
― Tabitha Robin
I have so much going on and haven’t really posted much lately. My aunt is getting married Wednesday. My last day of high school is tomorrow. I turn 19 on the 25th. My mom is moving to Texas and I need to drive there with her to sign the lease. And my freshman college orientation is in June. I have AP tests this week and next week and also considering attending a summer college session. Wow. Thats alot. Did I mention my graduation is next Monday? This is going to be a hectic year I can tell. But to reassure everyone who is concerned about my latest hiatus, I’m fine, just been busy. I guess starting a blog during your senior year of high school wasn’t the brightest idea but I will manage and post more frequently.
She is the glue that held me together
the thread with which I stitch my wounds close
the shoulder that I lean on
the arms that conquer my fears and capture my dreams
she is home and childhood all wrapped up into one