“Living simply makes loving simple.”
― Bell Hooks
Apparently I have a horrible track record with guys. It seems to me and everyone that knows me that I turn down nearly every guy that shows an interest in me. Which I’m sure isn’t entirely true. But its “prom season” and most girls are getting prom proposals in the cafeteria or courtyard in front of everyone. Something like that would embarrass me and make me panic. I don’t do center of attention. Oddly enough I was discussing this with my classmates in my group yesterday about how I would prefer it if a guy that I thought was interested in me would text me and ask me to prom rather than a proposal because I’m not guaranteed to say yes. Today a guy that I know is interested in me asked me to prom via text message. It was a simple “would you be my date to prom” and because he’s nice and I think I like him I said yes. No biggie. I feel like the most undemanding girl in school by saying yes but I’m just not that high maintenance that I would require a guy to propose to me to prom. So it looks like my debating is over. I did mention I’m indecisive so I wasn’t completely sure I was going to prom despite the fact that this is my senior year and my last high school prom but I guess I have to go so I don’t disappoint my date. I prefer it when life is simple.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
— Neale Donald Walsch
I’m not really sure what I want to write about. My thoughts are just scattered. I do want to mention that I’ve made a decision and submitted my intent to enroll form to UIC so its official that I will be going to Chicago and taking out student loans. But I had a pretty great day today, even though its not over yet. I’m working on this group novel project in my AP English class and I’m the only African American member. That doesn’t bother me so I volunteered for everyone to meet up at my mom’s house. Naturally she was reluctant to allow it and I had to fill out 2 job applications for her to get her consent. This morning I was anxious because I’m not close friends with the girls that I am working with and my mom was throwing some racist comments around, such as, “I hope they don’t expect us to serve them tea and biscuits”. It was insulting, racist, and ignorant. But once they arrived my mom and my siblings went into a separate room to leave us to do our work. I had a great time discussing the novel with them and after we were finished talking about the book we just talked about random stuff, like tattoos. There was rarely a moment of awkward silence despite the fact that not all of us were friends. I’m just glad that I enjoyed hanging out with kids that I’m not familiar with and who aren’t of the same race as me. It was a great opportunity for me to get out of my comfort zone and I enjoyed it. It was nice to hang out with kids my own age and just talk. Perhaps I, like my mother, should spend more time with people of different races and dispel any stereotypes that we may have because I will admit I too had misgivings about this group meeting. But I’m glad it went so well (and they didn’t ask for tea and biscuits).
“Don’t be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.”
― Carlos Ruiz
I’m scared. Of the unknown. The thing that sucks the most about being the first child to graduate in your family is that there are no older siblings to turn to for advice. The few of my relatives that have gone off to college stayed gone. I can’t blame them but who do I turn to for advice? I know what I want but I also know what is best for me and that isn’t what I want. Everyone makes mistakes but in this I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I’m afraid to go the the wrong college even though I’m not sure what would make a college the “wrong college”. I think I just don’t want to go somewhere and be even more miserable than I would be if I had stayed home. I’m not worried so much about making friends. I don’t want financial issues and homesickness to make my college years the worst years of my life. I’m poor and the last thing I want is to take out student loans but that is the absolutely only way that I could afford to go to college. My family nor I have that kind of money and its scary. I never want fear to prevent me from doing something. And right now I’m pretty afraid to take out student loans and go to the college that I want to go to rather than the college that I should go to.
“This town will always be too small for all the dreams held inside my head. I’m sorry but I cannot stay.”
The thought of spending the rest of my life in this town nauseates me. I love my family and adore the friends that I’ve made but I cannot stay. But everywhere I turn I see: student loans, student loans, student loans. According to FAFSA I’m an independent student and my income is so low that I’m sure its in the negatives. And yet how am I suppose to pay for college? All today I had my heart set on UIC. I was prepared to put down the housing deposit and fill out my intent to enroll form because 29k a year for Pace University is just too much. Unfortunately UIC isn’t all that better. Their housing deposit may be cheaper but I will still have to take out student loans. It makes staying in state seem so much. . . easier. I’ve spent the past 18 years in the same town, seeing the same sights, same people, etc. Its. . . . aggravating. Is this really the life that I have to look forward to? Monotony? Do I really want my college years and the rest of life to pass me by? That’s what it feels like is going to happen. But there is another question that has been nudging at me at the back of my mind: Is college really worth it?
“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?
— Dr. Seuss
I had never thought it was hard to manage a blog until my siblings moved in. In between school stuff and helping my sister with my niece I don’t have as much me time as I did when I was the only child living with my grandmother. When she worked nights I was home alone, free to wallow in my thoughts and post them here. I can’t remember the date of my last post. Its March and this is probably my first post this month. I don’t really have much to blog about other than the fact that I’m still conflicted about which college to attend and I’m still applying to some. I want to have options even though I’m extremely indecisive. I should have given myself fewer options but who wants to risk not getting into college by applying to just one? I’m also really looking forward to college more than ever now. I took for granted having a bed to myself. Now most nights I share my bed and my room with my sister and niece. My other sister is lucky to get a bed and room of her own adjacent to mine. I almost want to swap with her. I’m scared and excited to be on my own. I want that freedom, independence, and responsibility. I still feel like a child even though I’m turning 19 in May. What better way to gain independence and maturity than being on your own? I can’t get that experience living off campus at my grandmother house attending the state university. Like I said I’m both scared and excited. I truly believe that college is going to be the best years of my life. Maybe.