“Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly To be fearful of the night.”
— Sarah Williams
I read best in the quiet of the night. I have two book reviews and a move review due for AP World History when I return to school next week . I stayed up reading until 3 in the morning. To be honest I’ve been staying up until the wee hours of the morning since I got out of school. My insomnia always returns when I’m no longer obligated to get up at 4 in the morning and stay functional the entire day. But last night was different. Every time I tried to close my eyes I would see a shadow in my peripheral vision. It wasn’t the darkness because it was independent of the dark and it moved. It was unnerving and for a few moments I thought I was seeing death and it was coming for me. It sounds crazy but I’ve long since learned not to trust my eyes which is even more disquieting. I had a “nightmare” the night before. It wasn’t really a nightmare because I wasn’t scared, I was just creeped out. In the dream my great grandmother told me not to trust what I see or hear. An example was given when what I thought was my grandmother wasn’t really her but a demon using her voice and I didn’t discern that until I got closer. It seems I’m near sighted even in my dreams. I’ve been through this phase before and it lasted months. Months of me not sleeping until the next morning when my grandmother got off from work. I haven’t had nightmares for a while and its not a good sign that they’ve returned. My dreams aren’t frequently related to my abuse which is somewhat like me. I don’t like confrontation and prefer to skirt around the issue and so my dreams are the same. And while they’re varied, the theme is always the same. Demons and Devils threatening my safety. In my “nightmares” I’m never scared but I’m never safe either. It’s symbolic really. My grandmother is safety and I stay awake until my grandmother returns home and makes me feel safe again. But for the first time in a dream she didn’t represent safety but deceit. The Devil used her voice and my near sightedness to deceive me. Maybe my dreams are trying to tell me something. I’ve been stressing a lot about college lately and moving out of state, away from my grandmother, away from both safety and my abuser. Maybe more danger awaits me out of state than the one danger that is here, hiding like a wolf in sheep clothing among my family, as if he belongs. I don’t know. I’m not a psychic or diviner of dreams. But it doesn’t seem like I’m going to be sleeping at night for a while. The last thing I want is to become dependent on sleeping pills again. I prefer to sleep on my own and up until now I’ve been successful in forcing myself to go to bed early. I’ve become lax. Something has to change. This house and my nightmares aren’t a good combination. This house already creeps me out since my great grandfather died in it. Fortunately its not him that’s haunting me but the night. The night used to be a comfort. Now its something I dread.