Personal

Everything

“I’m actually scared of everything. You could say I’m a profoundly scared person.”

―Ingmar Bergman, from Bergman Island (2004)

It’s late and I’m restless. I took a nap as soon as I got home yesterday so naturally I can’t sleep tonight/morning. When I can’t sleep I browse the net. I had happened to be on tumblr and was reading a post on this blog that is ran by survivors. And I usually apply everything I read to myself to see how it relates to me or if I was in that situation how would I react. I had heard of many mental illnesses but never social anxiety disorder and shockingly I display quite a few of the symptoms.

anxiety

Which is weird because I thought how I feel is normal. I think I’m shy and I know I’m self conscious and probably suffer from a low self-esteem but a social anxiety disorder? I know its irrational that I am literally terrified of shopping alone, I’m uncomfortable talking to strangers older than me, hate talking in front of an audience, and I don’t like being the center of attention. But that’s normal right? I’m a shy person. Introvert. People make me want to run and hide. I feel like everyone that looks at me can read every thought that cross my mind and so I freeze up when people I don’t know try to make conversation with me. I feel out of place at parties. I avoid them even though most of the few friends that I have are going to them. I don’t attend parties that my family throw and I’m usually at a loss of words when distant relatives come to talk to me. That’s normal. I’m shy. I was in a pageant in middle school and I wanted to throw up when I was interviewed privately by the judges. I tried to take my teacher’s advice and look them all in the eye but there were six of them and each had a different question to throw at me. I don’t think I’d be able to survive a job interview which is why I’m hesitant about applying for my first job. But that’s normal. Who wouldn’t be comfortable being interviewed by six people or nervous about a job interview? I’m a shy person. Or am I? I don’t like people. Some would classify me as “anti-social”. But I’m still a teenager and I have a low self-esteem. Naturally I would have a hard time making friends. I’m a shy person. I know I display a lot of symptoms for post traumatic stress and depression. Now I can add social anxiety to that mix. Some would ask why I don’t seek professional help. I would retort that I don’t think I could afford it and my parents wouldn’t let me. But I’m a legal adult now and there are inexpensive solutions. What’s stopping me? I know what’s wrong with me and now anyone who reads this blog knows but its not the same as being actually diagnosed. If it were…. it would be something else that he took from me. He already took my innocence and stars in my nightmares and flashbacks but I don’t want him to lay claim to my sanity too. Is anything inviolate? Is there a part of me that isn’t touched by him? Am I ever safe from his grasp? I can’t let him become omnipotent. He can’t be everywhere and my everything. Something has to be sacred. It’s irrational but its how I feel. I can’t help how my brain is hardwired. And that’s all there is to it.

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