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October:: Halloween

“But I love Halloween, and I love that feeling: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner.”

―Evan Peters

Happy Halloween! October is my absolute favorite month of the year and as the above quote pointed out its not just because of Halloween that I love the month of October. I love this month and for some inane reason I love the horror genre. Maybe horror films desensitize death but I’ve always found those films comforting because in most of the them the monsters are always obvious and death is something that is so unreal that its laughable. But this October has been somewhat of a downer. I was dumped for the very first time by someone I genuinely cared about and was hopeful about my future with and I also experienced the loss of my great-grandmother. She passed on October 29, 2014 at 11:05 p.m. I also. . . want to say that I had started this blog for me. I wanted to get on the road to recovery, healing, and forgiveness. I started this blog to defy those who would rather that I stay silent which would give them, in my mind, a hold over me. My innocence was already taken and I refuse to allow my freedom and peace of mind to be stolen as well. But. . . while this blog is available to the public I haven’t shared it with those whose opinion of me matter a great deal to me. In short, I haven’t shared this blog with my family and friends. I guess I’m wary of my family’s reaction when I shouldn’t be because this blog is for me, not them, and I have the right to express myself. I’m 18 which is a legal adult in my country. And yet I become a child in the face of their anger. Their words wound me more than they should. And I know I have nothing to be ashamed of because I was a child in the manipulative hands of an adult who knew better but I am ashamed of what I’ve been through and cringe at the thought of my classmates knowing about what I went through and how little my family, my mom, did to protect me. I suppose I’m waiting for them to stumble on this blog on their own without any help from me. I wish I were stronger, braver. I wish I was fearless. That’s what the month of October and Halloween inspire in me. A spirit of fearlessness. Halloween epitomizes fear and I defy fear when I watch my favorite horror films at night in a house empty of everyone but myself. Halloween brings out the fearlessness in me. I feel braver on this day. But its easier, at least to me, to face down the imagined fears than the real ones. How do you combat shame and guilt? They’re not so easily defeated as fear. If only there were a holiday to help me overcome those emotions. I wish you all a fear filled Halloween!!

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Personal

Life and Death

“Every life has death and every light has shadow. Be content to stand in the light and let the shadow fall where it will.”

―Mary Stewart

This may sound strange and disturbing but I have had many dreams where the devil appeared to me as an ordinary man and talked with me. Sometimes it was voluntary as if we knew each other and other times I was pinned in place and forced to have a conversation with him. In each dream I knew he was the devil even if he did not look it and I was both frightened and fascinated by him. Less than an hour ago I received multiple phone calls informing me that my great-grandmother is in a coma and is dying. She may not live through the night. This is not the first nor will it be the last tragedy that has befallen my family. But I’ve long since given upon wondering how should I feel. I don’t believe there is a definite answer. I’m fortunate to have even grown up knowing my great-grandmother. The phone call comes as no surprise because her health has been failing for sometime but I had and still do believe that she will get better. We are not the biggest fans of each other but I’ve been displaced from 2 family members’ homes and she was all too happy to let me stay in her home with her and my maternal grandmother. These two women have been more of a mother to me than my own and I’m not ready to say goodbye to either. I’ve learned that family will always let me down, even these two, but at the end of the day they love me more than any other member of my family. For me, they epitomize love. How do you say good bye to one of the loves of your life? I’m not ready to and I suppose no one is but I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. This will require the type of strength I’m not sure that I possess.

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Numb

You start with a darkness to move through but sometimes the darkness moves through you.

―Dean Young

There are so many things that I want to touch on in this post but my mind is in such turmoil right now that I can’t really get my thoughts as organized as I would like them. I would like to break down right now and cry until my soul hurts but I’m too emotionally numb. My head hurts and my mind isn’t in a good place. My throat is aching from holding my sobs in and I just want to. . .. curl up and die. It seems like everyone that I love has and will always let me down and I wish that I were stronger and wouldn’t feel so brittle and weak when the inevitable disappointment hit. But I’m not. I read this quote earlier and it made me smile but also doubt the truth of its claim.

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.”

I don’t know who the author is but I had found it on instagram. I also wonder if some people, like me, are always analyzing themselves trying to find any and every flaw or if everyone is just content with being imperfect and don’t bother to notice their own flaws? If its the latter then that’s amazing and a trick that I would like to learn. I always find something new that’s wrong with me and I don’t know how to stop nitpicking at myself. Maybe its habit. Maybe I’m used to being compared to my younger sister and my mom telling me that I’m ugly that I try to find evidence that shes right. I don’t know and I don’t get people. I’d rather hide from the world. It appears as if all people are good for is inflicting pain, both emotional and physical. My head hurts and the pounding seems to be in tune with the beating of my heart. What a way to start the week and end a Monday. Numb and yet aching both in the mind and the body.

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Dreams and memories

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.”

—Joseph Campbell

Its been a little more than a week since my break-up and I can say that it feels good to not want to check my phone constantly to see if he’s called or texted. But I still replay old memories and conversations in my head. I can’t help that because I do it with almost everything. I replay it and then overanalyze it. Which brings me to the epiphany that I had. I had never been able to identify my happiest memory until now. It was with him. We had attended this orchestra concert at our school and it was the happiest night of my life. I have never been as happy or laughed as much as that night and it was because of him. That’s my happiest memory and I didn’t expect him to give me that but he did. I miss him and want him back but its best that I let him go. He was right to end things. I’m no good for him or anybody and will probably just drag him down with me. I’m still running from myself. I had a dream last night that disturbed me and I’ve had it before. In the dream my 15 year old sister was having sex with my mom’s boyfriend. The part of the dream that was new was that she was a mother of 3 children and he was the father of them all. I know its just a dream but. . . I’ve had that dream before, not the kids part but the sex. And I can’t help but have this conviction, this instinct that its true. I believe my mom’s boyfriend is having sex with my sister and all I have to support that is his previous molestation of us and my own gut instinct that’s screaming at me that something is wrong with their relationship. I know she won’t confide in me even if there were something to confide about because she hid her pregnancy from me, from everyone. There used to be no secrets between us and now I don’t think we could ever trust each other again. I hate being lied to, especially since my mom does it a lot to me. I wish there was something I could do about it but I’ve learned the hard way that there isn’t, that justice is hardly ever served. My mom already has my sisters stories made up and if I went to the police with my suspicions then it would be my word against theirs and I’m sure the police have it on record that I said that I had made the whole sex abuse thing up. No one would believe me. No one ever does. My word against the world.

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Forgive and Forget

“The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.”

―Lauren Conrad

It has been two days since the break-up and all I want to do is call or text him. But I tell myself that its for the best that I don’t. I don’t expect to just get over him in a matter of days but I want to be able to not have the temptation to constantly want to talk to him or even plead with him. I want to forgive and forget him. I know it won’t be that easy but I can’t help but wonder why is it so easy for me to want to forgive the boy that dumped me than the man that had molested me? And will I ever be able to forgive either? I suppose its a matter of time and that time will heal all wounds or so they say. I hope its true because I don’t know how to even start to forgive and forget. I keep replaying every conversation and every moment we had spent in each others’ prescence and wondering what did he find lacking about me and why couldn’t he have just said so rather than keep me in suspense. I’ll drive myself crazy with these kind of thoughts but I can’t help it. I guess every girl feels this way after being dumped. I wonder how did they get over it. Or at least resist the temptation to call him and beg for an answer. I guess I will have to find out on my own.

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Letting go or giving up

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me ― I’m going to smile.”

―Lone Star

The end came sooner than I had expected. My boyfriend “broke-up” with me today. But I’m not entirely sure about that. And its not that I’m in denial. The gist of our conversation was that he wasn’t sure if we would work out and asked if I believed that we would. Now I proceeded with the assumption that that was a rhetorical question and told him it was clear to me that he had already decided that for himself and walked away. The question that begs to be ask is are we breaking-up or giving up? I know that no relationship is easy but the night prior to this “break-up” we got into our first argument. It was over abstinence. I had no problem accepting that we wouldn’t “go there” in our relationship but I wanted him to know that I wasn’t a virgin. He seemed to accept that and said that he wasn’t sure if he could provide me with what I needed and I assured him that what we had was enough and that sex wasn’t a big deal to me. And then today we broke-up. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m angry for sure and disappointed and annoyed. But I’m not all that hurt or as hurt as I thought I would be. I don’t know what to do next. I’m not sure if I should leave things as is and let it go or fight for this relationship and attempt to convince him to give us another try. Do I let go or give up? And is there a difference?

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Extinguishment

“Darkness is drawn to light, but light does not know it; light must absorb the darkness and therefore meet its own extinguishment.”

―Edna O’Brien

Nothing lasts forever. Everything must come to an end. I…. am somewhat at a loss of words. I don’t know how to properly put into words what I’m feeling. It’s been less than 3 days since the beginning of my new relationship and yet I can already foresee its end. I don’t want it to end. But I know me and I know it will end. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit but I don’t think he can handle the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. Furthermore I’m not sure if I can handle being that open and trusting with anyone. This…. blog is impersonal. I am relating something extremely personal to me but I’m not there to see the expression on the reader’s face, I can’t gauge your reaction the way I can his. How do you do it? How do you put your heart on the line after having it stomped on so many times and run the risk of it getting stomped again? I have endure more than most and I don’t think I can endure that. My mom stomps on my heart almost on a daily basis but I have come to expect nothing less of her but to have someone who is unrelated to me and claims to care for me, do it? I can’t bear it. I won’t. But how do I let go of something that I’ve wanted for so long, have so much hope for, and have finally acquired? I don’t want to let him go. I may never again encounter someone even close to his…. caliber. He’s a keeper. But I have no right to him. What right do I have to happiness? I can’t even define happiness. Everywhere I look I see people with the potential to hurt me. I can’t trust anyone. This is the beginning of the end. My “happiness”, however brief, must meet its own extinguishment.